Post-punk Heartstrings Episode 032 - A Stroke Struck in June

 

Greetings Fellow Earth Babies and Deep Diggers! 

I know there may be some of you who either do not know me, or follow me from afar and I would like to offer this opportunity to all to hear about my recent stroke experience in my own words.

In this “very special Blossom” episode of Post-punk Heartstrings, I welcome my good friends, Mark Feldbush and Jim Anderson to “turn the tables” and interview me about the stroke I suffered in June of this year. We had what I hope will be a vulnerable and encouraging discussion about my experience and the process of my continuing recovery. I welcome all to join and listen in on our conversation!

You can find Post-punk Heartstrings wherever you get your podcasts or listen on Spotify below.

Peace and love to all!

A Typical Day in My Stroke Recovery Therapy

I thought I would share what a typical day looks like in my stroke recovery. Some of you likely aren’t aware what is involved in the ongoing therapy that is helping me get back to my “old self.”

On the days that I have speech therapy, I usually wake up around 7:30am and go for a 45 minute session. Otherwise, I usually awake between 7-8am, feeling a bit foggy and out of sorts mentally so I enjoy easing into the morning with a cup of French press dark roast coffee. I sip my coffee while I watch television for a little while and then sit outside on the deck, listening to the pond and watching the birds.

I then spend the next 30 – 60 minutes writing in a journal to help continue to improve my hand strength and cognitive processes while sharpening my mental focus on forming sentence structure and spelling.

I usually take a break for the next 30 minutes, just meditating as I allow my thoughts to wander while mindfully taking in the sights and sounds.

At this time, I eat a small snack, take medicine, and begin to drink a lot of water which will continue throughout the day.

Typically, I begin to do some yard work around 10 or 11am, working with my arms and hands to continue to rebuild my sensory re-education – stimulating sensory pathways through tactile input, such as touch, vibration, and pressure. This also contributes to the exercise I need for strength and coordination as well as helping my mood.

Next up I focus on various brain game apps on my phone such as Elevate, Luminosity, Brain HQ and NeuroNation. Each of theses steadily builds various areas of my cognitive function. I also play Wordle and Wordscapes to increase my speed recall and properly spelling words.

Around 12:30pm, I spend 20-30 minutes reading aloud to improve my articulation and fluency. I try to complete 2-3 of these 20-30 minute sessions in the afternoon, depending on my fatigue level.

I take 30-45 minutes to eat lunch and then spend the following hour working on various speech therapy worksheets.

Examples are:

·       Abstract thought: Quickly coming up with multiple words that describe various things that are cold, soft, tragic, mixed, little, crinkly, scary, sharp, etc. (Some of these really exercise the brain. Try to come up with five words that describe things that are “crinkly!”)

·       Stating the opposite: For example, Wide à Narrow. (Some of these make one pause as well. For instance, blind à sighted)

·       Rebuilding vocabulary and recall: Quickly listing various things that begin with specific letters. For example: One who earns a living driving cars for othersà Chauffeur (I have never been able to spell this word correctly. The stroke did not change that!)

·       Listing proper nouns in various categories that begin with each letter of the alphabet. (e.g., countries that begin with each letter of the alphabet.)

 Throughout these several hours, I sporadically respond to texts, emails and other messages which also continues to hone my written communication skills. I’ve come a long way from only being able to put together short text responses that take me 5-10 minutes to structure!

 This usually brings me to somewhere between 3-4pm and I find that I’m extremely fatigued and in need of a nap. I may, or may not, do some more reading of articles or a book, both silently and aloud but this will all depend on how much mental fatigue I am experiencing.

 So that pretty much describes a typical day for me these past several weeks. It may vary somewhat, especially based on my energy level and the need to combat the depression that is amplified by stroke through exercise and meditation. I’ll soon be posting to explain my experiences with each of these.

Until then, thank you for taking time to read my thoughts and as always, I wish peace and love to you all!

 

The Therapy of a Handwritten Journal - Reading & Writing & Spelling, Oh My!

As part of my therapy and to document my journey to recovery, I have been writing in a journal most days. I have always liked the idea of keeping a written journal but it never goes too far beyond that. It always begins with a fluid expression of thoughts and quickly devolves into the chaos of near illegible chicken scratches. My hand gets tired and can't keep up with my brain and I finally decide to call it.

However, I quickly realized that written communication will be an important part of regaining the full use of my right arm and hand as well as rebuilding my cognitive processes. 

The first 48-72 hours after my stroke, while I was still recovering in the hospital, I was presented with a piece of paper and a pen to see if I would be able to make any marks with my right hand. At the time, I was able to make a writing motion but wasn't able to put enough pressure down to make any marks. The next day, I was able to write my initials, "JSB" legibly, but wasn't able to cognitively form my first name, "James" and so wasn't able to write it. 

Since then, I have somewhat steadily improved, depending on my level of brain fog and fatigue. If I'm really tired or have exerted myself then I will quickly lose my thought process, sentence structure, and begin to leave words and letters out making it super difficult to stay mentally focused.

I've decided to share a short example from my written journal below, from July, 2nd. This is the beginning of an entry and there are some clear signs of scribbled and left out words, misspellings and instances of writing one letter in place of another. The following pages (not shown) continue with this increasing pattern until my concentration almost completely breaks down.

I know that there has been drastic improvement in my handwriting both in my endurance and cognition but it feels so very tedious. 

It's still difficult for me to wrap my "brain" around how I can fully receive and comprehend complex information and thoughts and yet, I struggle to communicate those thoughts back to others both in written and verbal form. All the while, I know that I'm incredibly lucky in that there are many who have suffered strokes who don't even have the understanding piece and can't even form the thoughts they are so desperate to share. 

All I can do is continue the challenging work each and every day and through that challenging work, continue to sharpen my abilities one step at a time.

Peace and Love to you my Fellow Deep Diggers!

Two Hotel Stroke Conversations: One Out of Two Ain't Bad???

I had two hotel conversations this morning:

1) A woman at breakfast saw a brewery shirt that I was wearing and asked me if I visited any breweries in the area. I had a brief but clear conversation. Success!

2)  A man in the elevator asked me if I am going somewhere on vacation. It took several tries to get the word "Fargo" out when I told him where we are headed.

I guess, one out of two morning stroke conversations ain't bad... 😔

Speech Therapy Video Chat With a Friend and Throwback Album Photos of Christmas Pasts

I practiced a lot of speech therapy today, video chatting with my good friend, Jim Anderson and it really lifted my spirits.

The journey continues and it has been a challenging but good day.

Here are a couple of throwback photos from 1981 and 1982 Christmas pasts. Which year's albums would you vote for???

I admit that I am a bit embarrassed that I specifically requested that Air Supply album!!

Note the twin kitten artwork and the 70’s vintage hanging lamp in the background.

1981

1982

A Stroke Just Struck in June!

Greetings Deep Digging Friends,

For those of you who don't known... this just in, hot off the two week old presses… A stroke just struck in June!

That’s right, I suffered a stroke due to a torn carotid artery a mere two weeks ago.

It kind of feels a little like Tig Notaro when she suddenly announced that she had cancer from the stage during a comedy show. “Hello, I have cancer. I have cancer. I have cancer."

And just as Tig spoke aloud and proud, taking authority over her cancer, I am taking charge of the transparency that I choose to share my stroke experience and healing on social media. I will plan to share the thoughts, struggles and healing of my experience with my trademark optimistic outlook and humor.

Right now, every sentence I attempt to type turns into a challenging obstacle course full of missing word mines that I have to successfully navigate while crawling around blindly in my brain and hoping that I’m somehow able to present some form of cogent thought. (It took me 5 minutes alone just to remember how to spell “cogent”).

I know that this will probably seem like a silly series of short posts but I have to keep pushing myself forward both mentally and creatively.

I will keep sharing regularly to keep everyone posted on my progress and hopefully all will see me inching slowly forward.

Until next time,

Thank you to all who have taken the time to journey by my side.

JJSB

Traits That Empaths Share - 6 - Empaths Can Become Overwhelmed in Intimate Relationships

 

Greetings Deep Digging Friends!

In previous posts, I wrote about how empaths are highly sensitive, absorb other people's emotions and can easily become overwhelmed and drained. Each of these traits tie into the trait I am writing about today: Empaths can easily be overwhelmed by a partner’s emotions and energies in intimate relationships.

If you’re an empath or highly sensitive person, you already know this all too well. And if your partner is also an empath you both know how difficult it can be to navigate this energy minefield. One that often materializes out of nowhere after your own past and experiences automatically throws your own interpretation on the energy coming from your partner.

Full transparency here, I have been reading and studying about Bowen's Family Systems and have found it so impactful for both my intrapersonal and interpersonal relationships that I have begun to automatically incorporate Bowen's concepts into all of my reflections and efforts for improvement in my interactions with others.

There’s a lot there and the concepts and terminology take some time to unpack and wrap one’s brain around but the nutshell that I can offer is this: People typically react out of emotions that are both ingrained in us as humans and developed further in our family of origin. I’ve written before about the formative years of childhood and how deeply those first 16 - 20 years affect the entire rest of our lives. This relates to the idea that we develop these automatic emotional reactions that highjack the logical and thinking part of our brains.

We could go down a rabbit hole with that entire subject, but I want to get back to how empaths get overwhelmed in intimate relationships.

In empathic relationships, the challenge of separating these emotional reactions from logic is at its highest level of difficulty. When a person has not only their own emotional reactions to address but also is absorbing emotional signals from the others and interpreting them, remaining emotionally regulated can seem like an impossibility. Both parties often become overwhelmed and either erupt and lash out or emotionally distance from the other.

Neither of these outcomes brings healthy togetherness. (Yes, there is an unhealthy togetherness and it’s really easy to see in other’s but difficult to see in ourselves).

There are a couple of really important steps I feel like empaths need to embrace to learn to interact in relationships in the healthiest way:

1. Acknowledge that emotional reactions are happening. This is one of those areas where the knowledge that this is happening leads to an increased ability to recognize when it is happening.

2. Accept that the stimulus receivers of every empath everywhere are often unreliable and deceptive. This is a very hard thing for most empaths to accept. There is a tendency for people to see their empathy as a super quality without acknowledging that there is a very impactful shadow side. Emotions are feeling and every feeling has to be held up to the light of reality and logic.

It will be tempting for empaths to blow off the whole idea that feelings need to be evaluated against what is actually known (aka the realities of the situation) and instead to elevate the concept of intuition onto a pedestal. But though intuition is very real and is often an indicator to evaluate the situation more closely, it can also be influenced and shaped by experience and attitudes and can be wrong. In fact, is often wrong. Yes, it should be listened to. But not indiscriminately. There has to be an evaluation process. And only acknowledging that this process is necessary will give a person the head start to be able to deal with the feelings and emotions that come out of nowhere and hold them up to the light of what actually is happening. 

I feel like I could write on and on about this but I don’t want to beat anyone over the head. I just want to hopefully cause some reflection for those who may come across this post and who like me (and my partner) are empathetic and become easily overwhelmed in our relationship as we try to deal with our own as well as the other’s energies as exhibited in words, tones, body language, eye movement, sighs, etc.

Keep in mind that sometimes, the evaluation process of emotions requires a pause of interaction and some alone reflective time. Please remember not only that this is healthy and perfectly reasonable to ask of your partner but also that it’s important for you to be able to give the other person this space when you are wanting to forge ahead with the conversation. One of the important keys to this is clear communication of this need and to as much as is possible, be specific about when you both will reconvene on the subject (Sadly, I have much work to do with being specific on the reconvening part). Also keep in mind with all of this that there may be a tendency toward complete emotional cutoff during the reflective pause and that is not healthy. But digging into that is a subject for another blog. 😉

In closing, thank you for taking the time to read and I hope that all will practice both acknowledging that we tend to react emotionally, separating those emotions out from what we actually know has happened and seeing all through the lens of what we know to be true about the character of the other.

Peace to you my Fellow Reflective Souls!

Taking Responsibility for Your Own Emotions

 

Greetings Deep Digging Friends!

As I write this, I am sitting on a 20^th floor balcony of a condo in Panama City Beach, Florida, with the ocean in front of me and the soothing sounds of the waves gently smoothing the shore.

I read a post this morning about how to handle disagreements effectively in the context of taking responsibility for your own emotional reactions. I have been thinking about this subject quite a bit over the past several months after I began counseling and was introduced to the concept of differentiation of self.

Part of this is learning to take ownership of your own emotional responses and that you are not responsible for the emotional responses of others.

As I said, I’ve been thinking a lot about this whole responsibility for our own emotions concept and I still haven’t wrapped my head completely around it. Still, I discern the healthy truth in it: It’s easier to attribute how we are feeling to the words and actions of others than it is to examine why we are reacting emotionally and taking steps to change those reactions.

If you begin to reflect on where your own emotional reactions are coming from and exploring ways you can alter those reactions in a healthy way, it will change the entire framework in which you view feelings. With this change in perspective, you will also begin to understand that you are not responsible for the emotional reactions of others. This will not sit well with many of those around you as the common misconception of others will be that this viewpoint communicates that you don’t have any responsibility in how you act toward others. e.g., "I can say or do whatever I want and it doesn’t matter if it hurts someone else." 

This is not at all what the essence or focus of not being responsible for someone else’s emotions is. Of course, there is a responsibility to consider others when we act. However, after evaluation and reflection, and acting with the intent of a healthy interaction and love,  you are not responsible for the emotional reaction of others. Each person is responsible to completely own their own emotions and feelings and address those. You have very limited control over the feelings of others but ultimately, you have full control of our own feelings.

 Understanding and embracing the healthy truth that you are not responsible for someone else’s feelings can bring real positive changes to all your relationships, from work to family to romantic partnership. And I’ve found that although there may be some resistance from others to this at first, in the long run both you and the other person will feel much more centered, calm and supported when this concept is embraced.

Along with this, it’s extremely important to remember that with this concept, your focus should be on what YOU need to own and take responsibility for. The letting go of what others are responsible for is best kept as an inward reflection on your part and if there is a need to communicate this to the other person (which is likely in close relationships where a pattern has been developed), it should be presented with calm, encouraging care and love and not in a lecturing way. The goal is to embrace this for yourself and share that journey with others and not to demand that they take the same journey or point out where you feel they are not taking responsibility. In other words, as is so often the case, leading by example is the best way to bring about this change of outlook in yourself and others.

 

There are so many articles that discuss what it means to take responsibility for your own emotions and feelings. Here is one that I read this morning that I would like to share for those of you who would like to understand this concept and move toward a change from the pervasive pattern of belief that other people and events are responsible for your feelings:

Howto Take Responsibility for Your Feelings

 

As always, thanks for reading and coming along on this journey with me!

I wish peace, love and emotional calm to each of you Fellow Earth Babies!

Traits That Empaths Share - 5 - Empaths Need Alone Time

Greetings Deep Digging Friends,

In my previous post, I mentioned that I wanted to pick back up on writing about the 10 traits that empaths share. I wrote about the fourth trait that many empaths share quite some time ago and you can read that post here: Many Empaths are Highly Intuitive.

The next trait I'm writing about is possibly the most enigmatic and misunderstood of Empath characteristics:

5. Empaths Need Alone Time

 

Because of the high sensitivity and the absorption of surrounding energy stimuli, empaths can easily become overwhelmed and drained and alone time is so essential to being able to disengage from the surrounding emotions and expectations and to recharge. It’s important to remember that empaths are taking in everything, even those little things that they don’t realize they are taking in. While a lot of other folks are barely aware of facial expressions, movements, sighs, mumblings and myriad of other sensory events, empaths are absorbing it all. Add in the tendency of empaths to ignore their own needs and focus on pleasing others and it’s inevitable that energy will be depleted and wear us down. This is especially true for empaths who are introverts.

 

This trait causes so much consternation in those who are in close relationships to empaths. The push for alone time can often be seen as a cold push away instead of the self-care (and other care!) that it is. When empaths don’t get alone time, they tend to become cranky and resentful as energy is depleted unless a thoughtful retreat happens.

 

Other people often take it personally and can’t see that the need for alone time is not because we don’t love or enjoy time with other people. It’s because we DO love, enjoy and value other people and we know that we are at our best when we have had time and creative experiences alone to separate ourselves from all sensory pressure from expectations and influences that come with being around others.

 

Here are some reasons why alone time (and sometimes a lot of it!) are important for an empath:

 

·      As I mentioned above, there is an energy depletion that takes place when an empath is surrounded by sensory stimuli which they are constantly processing and returning in an intentionally positive way. For this reason, alone time is important for the empath’s own energy reserve recharge. This can be confusing to others around us for a number of reasons, one of which is that not all empaths are subject to the same sensory input. The sensory stimuli for one may not be the same for another. For example, I know some empaths who need to recharge in very quiet environments, completely isolated from all other people. For me, I am often more recharged by being in a public place, surrounded by people but not directly tied to any of those people. i.e., A coffee shop or microbrewery where I can sit “alone” yet surrounded by sounds of people chatting, etc. This environment where I can feel the absence of emotional and mental responsibility for anyone or anything else and yet still feel the kinship of humankind is essential for my own recharging process. But for others, this would be the furthest thing from a recharging environment. All empaths have similar traits but the types of stimuli we take in can vary widely and it’s important for everyone to remember this.

 

·      This alone time, whatever it looks like for a particular person, is essential to an empath’s performance. Only with an environment of freedom from sensory overload can an empath exhibit his or her peak performance. This is why a lot of empaths prefer to work on projects alone whether it be in a work or home environment. Creative and passion projects are particularly influenced in this way. Alone time is essential to hitting that creatively productive peak.

 

·      It’s so important for empaths to Self-recalibrate – Alone time is needed to reset one’s body, mind and soul and separate one’s own energy from others. It’s hard for others to understand sometimes but all the sensory input often causes highly sensitive people a very difficult time with differentiating between our own energy priorities and those of others. That’s why alone time spent in some form of meditation is so important for the empath to be able to separate and clarify what one can and can’t handle and then shedding responsibility for situations, emotions and burdens that do not belong to us. I don’t want the word “meditation” to mislead. Meditation is not strictly limited to the traditional idea of sitting with one’s thoughts and emotions but instead can be any activity that causes us to enter a baseline state of clarity. For me, some of the places I find this meditative state are when I am running, writing, editing my podcast or sitting on the deck and listening to water splashing from the fountain in my pond.

 

·      Another extremely important reason that empaths need alone time is to prevent an eruption when sensory input is reached. Reaching the sensory limit can cause an empath to go into fight or flight mode. It’s important to remember that as empaths are taking in a lot of energy stimulus, they are also automatically analyzing all of that intense sensory information and translating it into action to try to contribute to situations and people in a positive way. This activity leads empaths to reach a limit often without even realizing it and the fight or flight state kicks in. Often, empaths will retreat temporarily to recuperate.

This often comes on so suddenly that the empath feels trapped and acts quickly and seemingly cold and impulsively. While retreating (not to be confused with flight or abandoning!) is much healthier than erupting into fight mode, empaths need to understand that it’s important to communicate clearly to those around us when this is happening that there is a need for a temporary retreat. It can be confusing for the empath as reaching this state is often a lengthy process and yet it suddenly happens. But if an empath can’t take a moment to explain what is happening before retreating, it can hurt and confuse those around us. Often, I reach this point and the difficulty of communicating this feels so overwhelming. However, clearly explaining this is something that is on me to do, with the realization that it’s not fair to make others feel like I have just suddenly disappeared without any explanation. At the same time, it’s important for those in our surrounding relationships to understand who we are and that this is not a rejection that should be taken personally but rather a healthy action to bring things back into balance so we can be good and positive for the relationship.

 

·      Having alone time also allows for an empath to properly control and manage the empathetic ability. I almost hate to refer to it as an ability but really that’s what it is. What I don’t want to convey is that empaths are any more valuable than those who are not empathetic. I believe that everyone is equally important to the healthy relationship construct in this world and the ability of non-empaths to separate out all of the sensory input and not be affected by it is just as great an ability as being able to feel it all.

For those who are empaths, it’s important to manage the power we have or it will certainly manage us. We need to channel how our empathy is used and what I wrote of earlier about self-recalibration is of the highest importance to getting back to the clarity baseline we need to be able to utilize our empathy in the most positive and beneficial way for ourselves and others.

 

·      Finally, all the above is rolled into the last important thing that alone time brings for the empath: That is, keeping a mentally sane state. If an empath is kept from the form of solitudinous, recharging activity that is needed, it will result in horrible mental and emotional difficulties that lead to numbness and mental breakdown.  

 

In closing, I hope that both empaths and those in all levels of relationship with them can work to understand and embrace the essential need for alone time and the healthy value it brings.

 

Peace to you Fellow Earth Babies!

Post-punk Heartstrings, Reflections and Return to the Written Blog

 

Greetings Deep Diggers,

It's  been a while, I know. Actually, over a year and a half since I've written.
I’ve been pouring all my “free” and creative time into my podcast, Post-punk Heartstrings, which can be found on the streaming service of your choice. I have attempted to wrap up all my blogs with my love for music and put them into this one podcast outlet. Sometimes I feel like it’s been successful and others I feel like it hasn’t quite been what I’ve wanted it to be. The podcast has not travelled along the path that I had envisioned but I think maybe that’s kind of beautifully spontaneous. I’ve allowed myself, for the most part, to sit back, relax and allow the guests, content and numinous moments direct the path of what I explore and share.
 
Still, I do miss the written blog form at times and have set the goal for myself of setting aside some specific periods of time a few days a week to work on written blog posts. My mind is always working and reflecting and writing these thoughts down helps me to draw them out to further inspiration for myself [and maybe others?]. The feeling that comes from this can only be understood by other innate writers.
 
I know that I suddenly dropped the Traits that Empaths share posts after I posted on the fourth one: Traits That Empaths Share - 4 - Many Empaths are Highly Intuitive
I do want to pick that back up and post on the remaining 6 traits that empaths share as some of you readers were enjoying those posts. I guess sometimes I just feel like people who are INFJ, deeply sensitive and/or empaths aggrandize who they are by nature in their own minds and that sort of starts to spill out and  become all they focus on. So, it becomes a bit of a turn off for me at times. I am all of the things I mentioned [INFJ, etc.] but I see most traits as both positive and negative and I’m sure it bothers some of you in the “sensitive” community that I highlight some of the negative aspects [I like to call them the “shadow sides”] of having these traits. I’ve found that most INFJ’s revel in the rarity of this type of personality type and see themselves as somehow uniquely superior to other types but this is one of the INFJ weaknesses that it would be good for all to reflect on and bring in a measure of balance.

 

I’d like to also share my plans to incorporate some of my previous [and future] blog posts into my podcastà Reading my post and incorporating music to enhance the thoughts and feelings. I’m really not sure how the listeners will react to this but I have to be true to my own direction and I’ve set out from the beginning to keep a mixed format as this is a true reflection of the person I am and I feel will keep things from becoming stagnant. I mention this because I know there are those who prefer the written form but also those who may enjoy hearing me voice my thoughts. I personally appreciate both formats of those whose content I follow so I’m putting that out there.

Until next time, Peace and Love to you my fellow Deep Digging Earth Babies!

 

 

 

 

Out of Blue Comes Green

 

Out of the Blues Comes Green

Greetings my fellow Deep Diggers,

I recently began building yet another one of those modern day playlists on Spotify called: Step into "that" feeling. It's a playlist of songs that give me that intangible feeling that only a song can give. You know the one. (At least I hope you do!)

As I began picking through my memory store of songs, the band A-ha came to mind.  They have several songs that just get me every time. In particular, Out of Blue Comes Green came to mind and as I listened to it for the hundredth time, it made an impact on me in a way that it never had before.

For the past few years, I've been in a life funk: Just feeling quite down and overwhelmed which brought on a numbness of being. I'm not sure if anyone reading can relate, but when I become too overwhelmed, a part of me kind of shuts down and I become numb. I think it may tie into my ability (or curse?) to compartmentalize. I just involuntarily shove all the overwhelming and painful things somewhere, so I don't have to constantly feel them. A huge downside (just one of many) is that this can cause me to experience every day as bland, uninspiring, and meaningless. There is a part of me that enjoys certain activities, laughs, loves, etc. But there is an uneasy feeling underneath it all like something is off.

There were a lot of factors and circumstances that led me to this place, not the least of which is this whole forced COVID downtime. Being an extroverted introvert, who gains essential soul inspiration from engaging in social outings from small to large, I was not receiving the soul food nourishment that I so desperately need. This might not have been quite so impactful if I had not also been facing a number of other issues:  relationship, my kids beginning to launch, relocation, getting older, facing the possibility of giving up the therapy of running, etc. All of this led to a place of living every day somewhat present (yet submerged) with a sinking feeling in my being that I was never going to feel real peace and inspiration again.

And I prayed.

        I begged to feel inspiration again.

                I beseeched to be lifted up out of this place and feel peace.

                    I implored to be taken out of this life if I was going to just languish in this

                     uninspired paralysis.

I can't say exactly when I began to move (be moved?) out of this dark blue and into the light but it slowly began to happen. I do feel that the realization that I needed to make some changes in my life and acting on that, was the beginning of a level of restoration.

This year has been a slow and steady return to peace and inspiration for me. And so recently when I heard the A-ha song, Out of Blue Comes Green, the lyrics sank in a little deeper and I understood the simple truth: 

So many times in life, you have to go through blue to get to green.

Life circumstances, whether caused by choices we make or things we can’t control, can send us into depths we never knew existed.

We can feel so lonely and isolated:

Father,

My wings are clipped
See the steps that made me trip
Now I'm so lonely

We can feel so paralyzed:

Mother
Time's frozen flame
Seem to linger in the rain
Holding me only

We can feel so helpless, confused and out of control:

Like a river I'm flowing
And there's no way of knowing
If I'm coming or going
I need something to chain me down

Chances are, I’m not the only one that’s ever been there and even now thinking about being there and the prospect that others may be there in the present or future causes me to well up with emotion. And I want you to read and remember the next section of lyrics. The optimistic self-talk that the singer clings to in his desperate state:

But it don't matter
My eyes have seen...
For better
Out of blue comes green


He's been there my friends. Listen to him. He's experienced the numbness. The paralysis. The helplessness of circumstances and the pain that comes from that.

But he's also experienced the aftermath.

Aftermath seems like such a desolate word doesn't it? It conjures up images of the rubble that's left after a war. A state near to complete ruin which makes one wonder if a state of restoration will ever be possible.

But do you know that this term originated in agricultural in the 1400's? And the term was used to describe new growth of grass after a harvest or a "second-growth" of crop. And this new or second-growth can't happen unless everything that's there is removed. It's hard and painful to lose what's there. But the former growth has served its purpose and circumstances and changing seasons sometimes require drastic change in order to move forward.

Yes, out of blue comes green.

So often, it’s only out of the dark, blue, and helpless times that strip away everything we thought we knew, that the lush, green and creative personal growth manifests.

Yes, those blue times can take you SO low. But you must persevere and cling to the truth that there is something to learn and, in that truth, look deep into what you’re going through. Pick it apart to see what might be learned and hang on to the hope and certainty that the light will shine through the blue and will scatter to green and lush growth in your life. Understand that examining the blue and turning it inside and out every way you can think of, will be instrumental in facilitating the coming of the light and the second-growth.

And in this friends, please know that you are not alone. Others are there or have been there and have made it through to a better place. It's so easy to let the isolated feelings of being in the blue cause you to further separate yourself from others. Please don't forsake your fellow earth beings in this process.

And remember, it will get better.

It WILL!

Divine Love will bring you through if you just hold on, cry out and reach out.

Life will be green again and you will have an entirely new perspective on the blue times to not only prepare and sustain you through future struggles but also to share with others who are going through their own season of blue.

Until next time, Peace and Love to you my fellow Deep Digging Earth Babies!

                                                        Out of Blue Comes Green - A-ha

A Gift Only I Can Give

A Gift Only I Can Give

 

Hello My Friends,



As I typed the above, I found myself inwardly sniggering at myself. The contents of this post will no doubt reflect that as of late, I feel like I may in actuality not be writing to friends. Or at least that the friendships may be more lopsided than I would like to believe. But friendship is defined in so many ways, isn't it? We all have our own category dividing lines between strangers, friends, acquaintances, kindred spirits and soul mates. What one person considers a friendship may by another's characterization be a mere acquaintanceship. And so on and so on with many overlapping and conflicting lines and compartments. But here, for this moment of writing, I suppose I will consider friendship to be in the eyes and heart of the beholder and therefore, I do write to friends. Deep digging friends. I mean, who else would take the time to read this other than a deep digging, friendly soul?

And so dear friends, I write to you today about my recent (semi-current?) state of despondency with life in general. And though there are various reasons for this season of existential grief, here and now, I write of the aspect of this blog and the many disappointments it has stirred within me lately.

The few that read will know that I have been writing about the traits that empaths share.

I have a confession to make...

Writing about this bores me.

I began with the intention of writing a separate blog post on each of the ten traits that empaths share as outlined by Judith Orloff: The Top 10 Traits of an Empath. I was quite excited to learn about all these traits and reflect on how I could relate to each of them. Understanding them has helped me better understand so many things about myself.

But writing about each of them quickly began to feel mechanical, tiresome and a little conceited. It certainly doesn't feel creative or artful in any way. Then again, my writing hasn't felt artful in quite some time. But having started this process of writing about these traits, I felt like I created a situation in which I had to finish what I started and so, here I am, just having finished posting about the fourth trait with six remaining to cover.

At the same time of writing these posts that I feel so uninspired by, I have the uneasy feeling that I am writing these posts and then sending them out into the void of emptiness. Sure, I see a view count on the blog site, so I know that some persons are at least clicking the link. But is anyone really reading this stuff? And if not, why am I writing it? Why am I writing unenjoyably and even further, why am I writing at all? Of course, Lovely Christina tells me that she loves my writing and gets a lot of out of it and that I am amazing. I do not minimize the value of her support and encouragement, but she is clearly love biased and the little voice in my head (the one we all have) keeps reminding me that the value of my writing in her eyes is influenced heavily by the ardor she has for me.

It's so easy to get drawn into the "Is anyone listening?" trap and forsake the reliable and lasting joy of "art for art's sake." There is such a delicate balance. Because it does matter if anyone is listening.

It simply does.

If I present what I consider my art out into my world and it falls like a tree in the forest where no one is there to hear the sound, it matters. The problem is not that it matters, but if I allow that to become the focus. Because if it becomes the focus, I stop presenting from an artful, daring, and honest place and begin to present from a safe and cliche place of what I think others will want to read. And when that happens it always leaves me feeling empty. Always.

So, I've decided that I need to get back to doing some of the writing that inspires and feels real to me. I feel much better about writing my thoughts, feelings, and reflections in a stream of conscious fashion much like a journal. Although this inspires me, it can also be a very scary way to write. Opening up and exposing my heart and soul to people, some of whom know me.

What will people think!?!

Will all respect be lost?

Will I be relegated to "that weird guy with all the hang ups" status?

Have I already been relegated?!?

All of these knee jerk fears are quickly followed by me reminding myself how much the world needs people who open up.

People who don't pretend.

People who are willing to show the dirty, unsavory, and weak shadow side of themselves right along with the previously unearthed treasures of their hearts.



From the beginning, this has been a world of people orchestrating the view of themselves that others are allowed to see. And now, we have a whole new social media toolbox available with which to perfect a false presentation of ourselves and our lives and the persona we set forth can so easily take over and become our identity in our own minds.

Thus, we lose our true selves and become some hollow, fanciful version that has little substance.

I don't want to maintain that persona. I don't want to become my seventh taken selfie angle. The one that finally presents what I want people to see me as. I want to be okay with the awkward angle that displays the bags under my eyes and the beaky profile of my nose. I want to feel and see the beauty in my imperfectness, and I hope that others can want the same. I want people to know that I often struggle with life and relationships and that I often make the wrong choices, and both pay the price and learn valuable lessons. It is only in showing my true self that I can feel authentic in life and provide others a person and place to relate to.

All this to say that I will finish the posts on the traits of empaths. But hopefully, I will be able to inject a little more personal reality into those posts, even at the risk of alienating some. I'm fully convinced that by sharing of myself I will connect with others in the way that my soul so deeply needs to. As I finish the empath posts, I give myself permission to write other posts reflecting honestly what I may be feeling on any given day in all it's vulnerable, raw nakedness.

How a song takes my mind to a revelation concept.

How a relationship teaches me a previously unreachable lesson.

How the pain of life drives me to open up to unexpected healing.

And I know it will be scary at times.

But it's where I belong.

Even if it makes me feel so alone and alienated at times, I know I'm not and I know it will mean something to others just to read of another imperfect soul who is clumsily navigating life. I will be inspired just knowing I have shared a real part of myself.

A gift only I can give.



P.S. - as part of my efforts to reconnect with my creative self, I will begin painting photos to accompany my blog posts. I may not always include self-created art with my posts, but my plan is to include this for most of my posts. One of my personal roadblocks to publishing new posts has been the desire to include images that reflect the feelings and/or messages that I am trying to convey in my posts. I usually end up searching for a "free to use" image from the web and am almost always disappointed in what I find. It never quite matches up to what I see in my head. I am very visually sense oriented when communicating and receiving concepts, and it is important to me to include colorful and artful imagery with my posts. I have discovered that a big part of my writing that has been missing is the element of self-art imagery and that this is an essential part of my inspiration and follow-through. For this post, I took a photo that I found and painted my version of it. I call the painting "A Gift Only I Can Give." We each have one of these by the way--- A gift unique to ourselves. Sometimes it's hard to find but it's always there. I pray that each of you find your gift, treasure it and bask in the giving of it.

Until next time, Peace and Love to you my fellow Deep Digging Earth Babies!

Traits That Empaths Share - 4 - Many Empaths are Highly Intuitive

Universal Intuition

Hello Friends,

In my previous post, I wrote about the third trait that many empaths share. You can read that post here: Many Empaths Are Introverted.  

The next trait I'm writing about is possibly the most enigmatic and misunderstood of Empath characteristics:

4. Many Empaths are Highly Intuitive

I think that most empaths would have a difficult time explaining their intuition satisfactorily to those who don't share this trait.  But that's okay, because although it bothers empaths to be misunderstood, it doesn't particularly bother us that others don't understand this aspect. We are content to enjoy the wonderment that comes with this intuition and to occasionally interact with others who also share this trait.

Empaths recognize this heightened level of perception early on in life which causes us to see life with an air of amazement. It feels a little like having a superpower albeit, one which is quite untamed and a bit nebulous. This makes for a very interesting thought life in a child.

There are different perspectives on the workings of this highly attuned intuition.

Some view it more as biological with the genetic wiring of a personality type having the ability to take in a multitude of sensory information. This is the case in INFJ's who are often able to discern universal truths and overarching themes of life. Our brains can simply put everything together even though we are at a loss if asked to explain how we get there. This biological view leans more toward perception based on our brain and sense ability to receive and translate information into concepts.

Another view is more focused on the cosmic aspect. Although this view still heavily involves the individual biology, it embraces the entirety and connectivity of the universe. The concept of universal connection sees everything being connected and linked together on a cosmic level. This includes people and although every person is linked to the universe, certain individuals are wired to be more sensitive to the cosmic connectivity.

However it works, empaths can often understand things immediately without the need for conscious reasoning.

In my reading of posts and articles by INFJ's and empaths, I've noticed that we tend to play up the positive side of our traits and there is often little mention of the downside. This just doesn't sit well with me because I feel disingenuous unless I'm examining all sides of things and self-reflecting. 

The downside of this trait of being highly intuitive is that there can be confusion between intuitional understanding and individual perception. Highly intuitive individuals can become so accustomed to the knowing of intuition that perception can be misinterpreted as such. In other words, we can misinterpret signals and words from others and deem the understanding that we receive as reality because we are so used to being able to intuit. This often happens more so in close personal relationships, especially romantic ones, in which the noise of our own emotions are clouding our understanding. In these situations, we feel that we know. And we are used to knowing. We're used to being right.  We don't feel that we're right in an arrogant way, but we've become conditioned to just knowing so it can be very difficult sometimes to understand that we can be mistaken when it comes to another person's intents or attitudes.

Because of this, it's extremely important to evaluate our intuitional understandings and question our own determinations, especially in relationships in which we are emotionally invested. If we aren't able to do this, it will wreak havoc in our personal relationships and instead of providing helpful insight into building the relationships, it will create barriers to understanding others.

Of all the traits that empaths share, this is my favorite. There is nothing that quite compares to the intuitive feeling of understanding life concepts. There is a sublime feeling of attunement and peace with the universe that comes with this. Even when understanding the more melancholic aspects of life, there is a quietude within. This is an amazing gift and should be used to influence the same peace and tranquility in those we interact with in our personal world sphere.

Until next time, Peace and Love to each of you faithful readers.

Let's keep digging together!

Traits That Empaths Share - 3 - Many empaths are introverted

Untitled - Andrea Stöckel

Greetings my deep digging sibs!

 

In the past few months, I've been writing about traits that empaths share.  You can read my last post here: We're Just Antennas in which I wrote about empaths absorbing the emotions of others and the effect that can have on relationships.

The trait I'm writing about today is a bit of an obvious one but still worth mentioning and perhaps expounding on a bit:

3. Many empaths are introverted

This is one of those traits that makes one ask, "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?"

Are empaths introverted by nature or do their empathic characteristics drive them toward introversion?  I think it's all tied up together and so both are true.  Certainly, the absorbing of the mass stimuli that comes with being around a lot of other people, can cause a highly sensitive individual to avoid crowds or at least minimize the time spent there.  

 But of all the impulses that empaths are picking up, those which emit from other people are the most positive, magnetic, and uplifting.  Sometimes, introverted empaths are seen as not wanting to be around people in general and this is a misunderstanding.  Introverted empaths are renewed and energized not only by spending time alone but also by being around and inspiring others.   Even the negativity we feel coming from others is often a driving force to ease and redirect that energy within everyone who is being affected.

No matter what, empaths do at some point need to retreat and disconnect from everything coming at them for at least a little while.  The need to process all that has been received is essential.  But this need to process, interpret, understand, and remove the noise is not only for the benefit of the empathic individual but also for others in the individual's world.  

Empaths disconnect and allow the energy to diffuse so that we can remain healthy and available to re-engage with and benefit others.  

This process of sparking to extrovert along with the importance of introverted reflection can be a delicate balance for the introverted empath and there must be a constant awareness and deliberate steps taken to maintain a healthy balance.

Admittedly, I am not particularly good with maintaining this balance and have much work to do to learn to preserve it.  I often welcome the stimulus from others without caution and find myself suffocating in layers of overwhelming energy noise.  I've got to be more aware of the stimulus coming in and intentionally remove myself to a quiet place of reflection and processing before I reach this overwhelming place that benefits no one.  As always, I've got a lot of work to do on myself!

 

Until next time, I wish peace, love, and times of quiet reflection for each of you.

Let's keep digging together fellow earth babies!

Traits That Empaths Share - 2- We're Just Antennas

 

Hello My Deep Digging Friends!

In my previous post, I wrote about the first trait that empaths share: Empaths are Highly Sensitive.   As I mentioned in my previous post, when there is too much of certain types of stimuli, my brain gets overloaded and cannot reflect or process.  This often happens in relationships as the type of stimuli that I feel the most intensely is that which emits from other people.

This relates to the second trait that empaths share:

2. Empaths absorb other people’s emotions

Empaths are highly attuned to other people’s moods and feel everything that is happening around them.  This on top of receiving a multitude of environmental signals can be quite overwhelming.  And we are not only feeling other people's moods, we are actually taking them on as our own.  Whether it's anger, anxiety, excitement, sadness, frustration, we are absorbing it.  At times it can be energizing but at others, exhausting.  All of this is often happening without us even noticing.  Because we often feel everything to an extreme, it sometimes becomes difficult to differentiate our own feelings and moods from those of other's and at times it can be hard to understand why we are feeling what we are feeling. 

For me personally, this is the most difficult within romantic relationships.

So often...

I'm just an antenna.

I absorb everything that my partner emits.  Her facial expressions, the way she sits or stands, whether or not she is meeting my eyes, her tone of voice, the words she chooses, and countless other visible and invisible pieces of sensory data are being absorbed by my brain all within a few moments.

And one of the extremely difficult parts of the romantic relationship I've been in for the past 2 years has been that my partner is also empathic and highly sensitive to many of the same types of stimuli.

Much of the time...

We're both just antennas.

Prior to the past few weeks, I don't think that either of us had begun to fully explore what that means and how it affects our interactions with others or within our relationship.  I think we both thought we understood and had a grasp on managing it for the most part, but I now believe that we have only journeyed into the borders of this vast and remarkable land of empathy and there is much more to discover in the deep recesses of this sensory forest.  

On the upside [And there is an AMAZING upside!], there are immensely rewarding interactions when we are both attuned to one another in positive ways.  There is nothing quite like the feeling of connection that proceeds out of these times and it can be exceptionally beautiful and transcending in so many ways.  But the intensity that we both feel when the other is struggling throws us into a very dangerous cycle of heightened emotional absorption that can lead to distance and self-isolation on both ends.  Places that neither of us want to be.  There's an importance of knowing our limits.  Stepping away before one or both of us get overwhelmed and bewildered is so important and so difficult at times.  Equally important is being able to communicate that need in a clear, loving and supportive way.

I know that my partner has an open heart and mind and is always reflecting on how sensitivities affect her, and our relationship and I appreciate this very much.  As for my part, I have been seeking out information to help me understand more fully, the extent to which sensitivities affect me individually as well as within our relationship and what steps I can take to manage, embrace and at times even benefit from all of the charge that's in the air around us.

I'm currently reading a book which has begun to help me understand and learn to celebrate this gift that I have been given.  The Empaths Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People.   In addition, the book is helping me learn ways to keep myself calm and grounded while providing coping mechanisms to manage my high sensitivities instead of drowning in them.  As I've said many times, a gift always has a curse shadow side.  Although we often come by gifts naturally, if we don't evolve and mature in the gift, there is always a danger that we will begin to spend too much time in the negative shadow of that gift. 

I'm excited to keep exploring the deep parts of myself and SO thankful for the vast resources that are available at the click of a laptop key to help myself and others on the journey of life.  I encourage all you highly sensitive types out there to really take some time to reflect on how this part of your personality affects your relationship with yourself and others and what areas you may need to evolve in to bring about a healthier and more peaceful environment.

Let's keep digging together fellow earth babies!

                                             The Church - Antenna

"Why do you always wrongly assume

That you're so well aware of what's happ'ning there,

Right here in this room?

You're just an antenna, you're just a wire.

There's a thousand tongues wagging in your ears tonight,

And you turn around and you call me a liar."