Traits That Empaths Share - 6 - Empaths Can Become Overwhelmed in Intimate Relationships

 

Greetings Deep Digging Friends!

In previous posts, I wrote about how empaths are highly sensitive, absorb other people's emotions and can easily become overwhelmed and drained. Each of these traits tie into the trait I am writing about today: Empaths can easily be overwhelmed by a partner’s emotions and energies in intimate relationships.

If you’re an empath or highly sensitive person, you already know this all too well. And if your partner is also an empath you both know how difficult it can be to navigate this energy minefield. One that often materializes out of nowhere after your own past and experiences automatically throws your own interpretation on the energy coming from your partner.

Full transparency here, I have been reading and studying about Bowen's Family Systems and have found it so impactful for both my intrapersonal and interpersonal relationships that I have begun to automatically incorporate Bowen's concepts into all of my reflections and efforts for improvement in my interactions with others.

There’s a lot there and the concepts and terminology take some time to unpack and wrap one’s brain around but the nutshell that I can offer is this: People typically react out of emotions that are both ingrained in us as humans and developed further in our family of origin. I’ve written before about the formative years of childhood and how deeply those first 16 - 20 years affect the entire rest of our lives. This relates to the idea that we develop these automatic emotional reactions that highjack the logical and thinking part of our brains.

We could go down a rabbit hole with that entire subject, but I want to get back to how empaths get overwhelmed in intimate relationships.

In empathic relationships, the challenge of separating these emotional reactions from logic is at its highest level of difficulty. When a person has not only their own emotional reactions to address but also is absorbing emotional signals from the others and interpreting them, remaining emotionally regulated can seem like an impossibility. Both parties often become overwhelmed and either erupt and lash out or emotionally distance from the other.

Neither of these outcomes brings healthy togetherness. (Yes, there is an unhealthy togetherness and it’s really easy to see in other’s but difficult to see in ourselves).

There are a couple of really important steps I feel like empaths need to embrace to learn to interact in relationships in the healthiest way:

1. Acknowledge that emotional reactions are happening. This is one of those areas where the knowledge that this is happening leads to an increased ability to recognize when it is happening.

2. Accept that the stimulus receivers of every empath everywhere are often unreliable and deceptive. This is a very hard thing for most empaths to accept. There is a tendency for people to see their empathy as a super quality without acknowledging that there is a very impactful shadow side. Emotions are feeling and every feeling has to be held up to the light of reality and logic.

It will be tempting for empaths to blow off the whole idea that feelings need to be evaluated against what is actually known (aka the realities of the situation) and instead to elevate the concept of intuition onto a pedestal. But though intuition is very real and is often an indicator to evaluate the situation more closely, it can also be influenced and shaped by experience and attitudes and can be wrong. In fact, is often wrong. Yes, it should be listened to. But not indiscriminately. There has to be an evaluation process. And only acknowledging that this process is necessary will give a person the head start to be able to deal with the feelings and emotions that come out of nowhere and hold them up to the light of what actually is happening. 

I feel like I could write on and on about this but I don’t want to beat anyone over the head. I just want to hopefully cause some reflection for those who may come across this post and who like me (and my partner) are empathetic and become easily overwhelmed in our relationship as we try to deal with our own as well as the other’s energies as exhibited in words, tones, body language, eye movement, sighs, etc.

Keep in mind that sometimes, the evaluation process of emotions requires a pause of interaction and some alone reflective time. Please remember not only that this is healthy and perfectly reasonable to ask of your partner but also that it’s important for you to be able to give the other person this space when you are wanting to forge ahead with the conversation. One of the important keys to this is clear communication of this need and to as much as is possible, be specific about when you both will reconvene on the subject (Sadly, I have much work to do with being specific on the reconvening part). Also keep in mind with all of this that there may be a tendency toward complete emotional cutoff during the reflective pause and that is not healthy. But digging into that is a subject for another blog. 😉

In closing, thank you for taking the time to read and I hope that all will practice both acknowledging that we tend to react emotionally, separating those emotions out from what we actually know has happened and seeing all through the lens of what we know to be true about the character of the other.

Peace to you my Fellow Reflective Souls!

Traits That Empaths Share - 2- We're Just Antennas

 

Hello My Deep Digging Friends!

In my previous post, I wrote about the first trait that empaths share: Empaths are Highly Sensitive.   As I mentioned in my previous post, when there is too much of certain types of stimuli, my brain gets overloaded and cannot reflect or process.  This often happens in relationships as the type of stimuli that I feel the most intensely is that which emits from other people.

This relates to the second trait that empaths share:

2. Empaths absorb other people’s emotions

Empaths are highly attuned to other people’s moods and feel everything that is happening around them.  This on top of receiving a multitude of environmental signals can be quite overwhelming.  And we are not only feeling other people's moods, we are actually taking them on as our own.  Whether it's anger, anxiety, excitement, sadness, frustration, we are absorbing it.  At times it can be energizing but at others, exhausting.  All of this is often happening without us even noticing.  Because we often feel everything to an extreme, it sometimes becomes difficult to differentiate our own feelings and moods from those of other's and at times it can be hard to understand why we are feeling what we are feeling. 

For me personally, this is the most difficult within romantic relationships.

So often...

I'm just an antenna.

I absorb everything that my partner emits.  Her facial expressions, the way she sits or stands, whether or not she is meeting my eyes, her tone of voice, the words she chooses, and countless other visible and invisible pieces of sensory data are being absorbed by my brain all within a few moments.

And one of the extremely difficult parts of the romantic relationship I've been in for the past 2 years has been that my partner is also empathic and highly sensitive to many of the same types of stimuli.

Much of the time...

We're both just antennas.

Prior to the past few weeks, I don't think that either of us had begun to fully explore what that means and how it affects our interactions with others or within our relationship.  I think we both thought we understood and had a grasp on managing it for the most part, but I now believe that we have only journeyed into the borders of this vast and remarkable land of empathy and there is much more to discover in the deep recesses of this sensory forest.  

On the upside [And there is an AMAZING upside!], there are immensely rewarding interactions when we are both attuned to one another in positive ways.  There is nothing quite like the feeling of connection that proceeds out of these times and it can be exceptionally beautiful and transcending in so many ways.  But the intensity that we both feel when the other is struggling throws us into a very dangerous cycle of heightened emotional absorption that can lead to distance and self-isolation on both ends.  Places that neither of us want to be.  There's an importance of knowing our limits.  Stepping away before one or both of us get overwhelmed and bewildered is so important and so difficult at times.  Equally important is being able to communicate that need in a clear, loving and supportive way.

I know that my partner has an open heart and mind and is always reflecting on how sensitivities affect her, and our relationship and I appreciate this very much.  As for my part, I have been seeking out information to help me understand more fully, the extent to which sensitivities affect me individually as well as within our relationship and what steps I can take to manage, embrace and at times even benefit from all of the charge that's in the air around us.

I'm currently reading a book which has begun to help me understand and learn to celebrate this gift that I have been given.  The Empaths Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People.   In addition, the book is helping me learn ways to keep myself calm and grounded while providing coping mechanisms to manage my high sensitivities instead of drowning in them.  As I've said many times, a gift always has a curse shadow side.  Although we often come by gifts naturally, if we don't evolve and mature in the gift, there is always a danger that we will begin to spend too much time in the negative shadow of that gift. 

I'm excited to keep exploring the deep parts of myself and SO thankful for the vast resources that are available at the click of a laptop key to help myself and others on the journey of life.  I encourage all you highly sensitive types out there to really take some time to reflect on how this part of your personality affects your relationship with yourself and others and what areas you may need to evolve in to bring about a healthier and more peaceful environment.

Let's keep digging together fellow earth babies!

                                             The Church - Antenna

"Why do you always wrongly assume

That you're so well aware of what's happ'ning there,

Right here in this room?

You're just an antenna, you're just a wire.

There's a thousand tongues wagging in your ears tonight,

And you turn around and you call me a liar."

Traits That Empaths Share - 1- High Sensitivity is a Gift!

Good morning my deep digging earth babies!

So, here I am this morning, sitting in a hacienda suite, sipping Peet's French Roast Coffee, and reflecting on life and relationships.  

I am actually always reflective about, well, pretty much everything.  The problem is that I'm highly sensitive and when there is too much of certain types of stimuli, my brain gets overloaded and cannot reflect or process.  A bit of cognitive paralysis sets in.  This often happens in relationships as the type of stimuli that I feel the most intensely is that which emits from other people.

I have been seeking out information to help me understand more fully, the extent to which sensitivities affect me individually as well as in the relationships I have and what steps I can take to make needed changes and improve.  

One of the articles I came across has a list of 10 traits that empathic people share, many of which have resonated deeply with me.  I would like to discuss each of these over the course of my next several blog entries as I try to understand and share what I am learning about myself.

So, let's begin with the first trait:

1. Empaths are highly sensitive.

I suppose this kind of goes without saying but it's important to note because often, empaths are labeled as highly sensitive from a negative perspective.  We are subjected to phrases like, "You're SO sensitive!”, “You get your feelings hurt too easily", "You need to develop a thicker skin", "Why do you take things so personally?" etc.    I remember various encounters with others from my childhood up through adulthood in which I was told I was too sensitive.  Sometimes it was through using those specific words: "You're SO sensitive."  Sometimes it was more indirect, but the same message was sent:  It's abnormal and less than ideal to be sensitive and if you want to fit into life and succeed, you will learn to eradicate that part of yourself.  And because this part of an empath simply cannot (and SHOULD not!) be eradicated, it causes us highly sensitive people to feel like we don't belong in this world.  I think that most empaths have felt alien at some point in their lives and perhaps we should as empaths are thought to make up only about 2 percent of the world population.  But we should not feel like aliens from a negative perspective.  We should feel like alien heroes! Yes, being highly sensitive for an empath is something to be celebrated.  And I want every single highly sensitive person to know that.  Sure, there are downsides to being sensitive and I'll explore those, but there are downsides to NOT being sensitive as well.  HUGE ones.  There are also enormously wonderful benefits to being highly sensitive.  Not just for the individual, but for everyone that person encounters, even if it's only a brief encounter.

Empaths are good listeners, naturally giving and perhaps my favorite: spiritually open.  This leads us to encounters with others that most people do not have the ability to experience.  We are a safe place for those we encounter and it's not just because of our direct words or actions.  Empaths emit energy stimuli as much as we absorb it.  This means that we give off energy that lets others know that they can open up to us, trust us and that they have found an understanding, nurturing, and encouraging place to share a part of themselves that they cannot share elsewhere.

So, yes, empaths are highly sensitive.  And as I mentioned, I will explore some of the downsides of that in upcoming blog posts.  However, what I want every highly sensitive person to take away from this post is expressed well in the following anonymous quote which I know that every empath needs to hear:

"If you feel as if you don't fit into this world, it's because you're here to create a better one."

Until next time, Peace and Love to you all!

Sad Night, Where is the Morning Light?

A few years ago, a friend of mine and I were discussing the difficulties of this time of the year with the shortness of daylight and the drab, dark days of winter upon us. It’s easy to succumb to the adverse effects of darkness as it descends upon us earlier and earlier each day at this time of the year. A lot of it of course is related to Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) which is a depression related to the change in seasons. The decrease in the amount of sunlight and an increase in the colder temperatures can bring about irritability, difficulty sleeping, and a lack of interest in activities and relationships to name just a few.

For me, the increased darkness presents a greater tendency to feel isolated. That’s often the effect that darkness has on me, especially when I’m in situations in which there is a feeling of the absence of everyone else. I say, “in which there is a feeling” because intellectually, I realize that in the situations when I experience this, there is no true and utter absence of others. Oddly (or perhaps not so oddly), there are two settings when I experience these feeling the most. 

The first is when I am driving at night on a fairly isolated stretch of highway. Although I’m trying to improve my observance of work-life balance, I still occasionally find myself staying over at work in an attempt to complete one project or another. And during the evenings when darkness falls at 5:00 in the evening, the ride home tends to bring the feelings of isolation upon me. The later it is, the more likely I am to feel this. The thought that “everyone else is at home where they should be” and “I am alone” on a stretch of more or less unpopulated highway brings upon me a feeling of frightful seclusion. Of course, it doesn’t last long and the spell can be broken with as little as the site of another car with another "isolated soul" trekking homeward.

The second scenario can be a bit more intense and is probably much more relatable. In fact, it would surprise me if some of you reading this have not experienced this at some point. This is the middle of the night wake up referred to as “middle insomnia.” This phenomenon happens when you go to sleep easily at a normal time but then wake up in the early hours of the morning and cannot go back to sleep. There are many suggestions on how to handle this when it happens and some very interesting articles on segmented sleep but I won’t go into that today. Instead, I want to talk about the feeling of overwhelming isolation that sometimes comes to me at these times. I’m really not sure how common this is but I wonder if perhaps it is felt more deeply by a Highly Sensitive Person like myself. If you don’t know what an HSP is, you can find out here: The Highly Sensitive Person.  And if you wonder if you might be an HSP, there is even a short self-test there you can take. 

So, here is what happens (in fact, has been happening to me lately), I wake up at 4:00 am and the darkness pervades my mind bringing with it a feeling of intense isolation and alienation. Unless you have felt this, it is difficult to understand and cannot be described adequately in words. It is a feeling that you are all alone, different and separated from the rest of the human race. It is a hopeless feeling that threatens to completely overtake you even though intellectually, you know that the feeling of separation is not reality. For some, it probably does take over. And, because dark invites dark, it drives your mind to explore all of those shadow areas of grief, anger, doubt and despair. Fortunately for me, I am able to allow the feeling to happen (embracing it in a sense) with the knowledge that it will not last and that I have been through it before and the morning light always shows itself eventually. Along with that, the realization that there are others who experience this, also helps to fight through.

In a recently released song by U2, Bono sings the following lines:

“Sometimes I wake at four in the morning 

Where all the darkness is swarming 

And it covers me in fear 

Sometimes I'm full of anger and grieving 

So far away from believing 

That any song will reappear”

Yup.  That's what waking up in the darkness can do to some of us.  It’s comforting to know that even rock stars experience these types of things at times although most aren’t likely to be open about it in a song. (Let’s face it, Bono is special - please don’t argue with me on this one). This is one more thing that helps me during those 4:00 am wake up panics. It's that most important reminder in life: I'm not the only one. I'm not alone in this."  And just in case there are others who experience this, I want you to remember that you are not alone either.  No, we're not the only ones harrowed by the darkness and longing for the morning light. And the light will come to our rescue.

"Sad night

Where is the morning light?

When will you come?

When will you shine

Into my darkened soul

Where there’s no light to grow

Anything good

Anything you would see"

The Ocean Blue

"Sad Night, Where is the Morning?"