Sad Night, Where is the Morning Light?

A few years ago, a friend of mine and I were discussing the difficulties of this time of the year with the shortness of daylight and the drab, dark days of winter upon us. It’s easy to succumb to the adverse effects of darkness as it descends upon us earlier and earlier each day at this time of the year. A lot of it of course is related to Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) which is a depression related to the change in seasons. The decrease in the amount of sunlight and an increase in the colder temperatures can bring about irritability, difficulty sleeping, and a lack of interest in activities and relationships to name just a few.

For me, the increased darkness presents a greater tendency to feel isolated. That’s often the effect that darkness has on me, especially when I’m in situations in which there is a feeling of the absence of everyone else. I say, “in which there is a feeling” because intellectually, I realize that in the situations when I experience this, there is no true and utter absence of others. Oddly (or perhaps not so oddly), there are two settings when I experience these feeling the most. 

The first is when I am driving at night on a fairly isolated stretch of highway. Although I’m trying to improve my observance of work-life balance, I still occasionally find myself staying over at work in an attempt to complete one project or another. And during the evenings when darkness falls at 5:00 in the evening, the ride home tends to bring the feelings of isolation upon me. The later it is, the more likely I am to feel this. The thought that “everyone else is at home where they should be” and “I am alone” on a stretch of more or less unpopulated highway brings upon me a feeling of frightful seclusion. Of course, it doesn’t last long and the spell can be broken with as little as the site of another car with another "isolated soul" trekking homeward.

The second scenario can be a bit more intense and is probably much more relatable. In fact, it would surprise me if some of you reading this have not experienced this at some point. This is the middle of the night wake up referred to as “middle insomnia.” This phenomenon happens when you go to sleep easily at a normal time but then wake up in the early hours of the morning and cannot go back to sleep. There are many suggestions on how to handle this when it happens and some very interesting articles on segmented sleep but I won’t go into that today. Instead, I want to talk about the feeling of overwhelming isolation that sometimes comes to me at these times. I’m really not sure how common this is but I wonder if perhaps it is felt more deeply by a Highly Sensitive Person like myself. If you don’t know what an HSP is, you can find out here: The Highly Sensitive Person.  And if you wonder if you might be an HSP, there is even a short self-test there you can take. 

So, here is what happens (in fact, has been happening to me lately), I wake up at 4:00 am and the darkness pervades my mind bringing with it a feeling of intense isolation and alienation. Unless you have felt this, it is difficult to understand and cannot be described adequately in words. It is a feeling that you are all alone, different and separated from the rest of the human race. It is a hopeless feeling that threatens to completely overtake you even though intellectually, you know that the feeling of separation is not reality. For some, it probably does take over. And, because dark invites dark, it drives your mind to explore all of those shadow areas of grief, anger, doubt and despair. Fortunately for me, I am able to allow the feeling to happen (embracing it in a sense) with the knowledge that it will not last and that I have been through it before and the morning light always shows itself eventually. Along with that, the realization that there are others who experience this, also helps to fight through.

In a recently released song by U2, Bono sings the following lines:

“Sometimes I wake at four in the morning 

Where all the darkness is swarming 

And it covers me in fear 

Sometimes I'm full of anger and grieving 

So far away from believing 

That any song will reappear”

Yup.  That's what waking up in the darkness can do to some of us.  It’s comforting to know that even rock stars experience these types of things at times although most aren’t likely to be open about it in a song. (Let’s face it, Bono is special - please don’t argue with me on this one). This is one more thing that helps me during those 4:00 am wake up panics. It's that most important reminder in life: I'm not the only one. I'm not alone in this."  And just in case there are others who experience this, I want you to remember that you are not alone either.  No, we're not the only ones harrowed by the darkness and longing for the morning light. And the light will come to our rescue.

"Sad night

Where is the morning light?

When will you come?

When will you shine

Into my darkened soul

Where there’s no light to grow

Anything good

Anything you would see"

The Ocean Blue

"Sad Night, Where is the Morning?"