We humans have an uncanny way of getting ourselves stuck in places. Sometimes it's our fault. We make impetuous decisions with limited or no information. Or worse yet, we make decisions supported only by anxieties and/or feelings of the moment. But sometimes it's not our fault. Life tends to thrust situations upon us that seem designed to ensnare us and even in hindsight, we can fathom no alternate path that we could have traveled under the circumstances. Often though, the life prisons that we find ourselves in are a nebulous combinations of both helplessness and carelessness. A mishmash of life's fault and our fault. Life's dictated experiences and our less than perfect choices.
It would be nice to think of these life prisons as rare among people but my heart to heart interactions with others assures me that they are not. I will write sometime soon of my many faceted "policy of truth" (as a friend calls it) which has both worked for and against me when interfacing with others. One of the "working for me" facets has been that my own openness gives others the freedom to open up to me about deep life issues and therefore I am enormously aware of a truth that many are reluctant to entertain: We all have issues that imprison us to one degree or another for periods of time throughout our lives... and we like to pretend (even to ourselves) like we don't.
I am certainly not immune. I've endured my fair share of periods of incarceration.
These times of imprisonment are messy and complicated and if I tried to turn out every dark corner in writing here, this blog would be many pages long and would probably still not expose them all. For this post, I just want to speak of one of my own time's of imprisonment. As with most, it falls into the nebulous combinations of helplessness and carelessness. I don't really want to share all of the details of how I got to that place but I spent over two and a half years there. And the worst part is that I knew I was there. Early on in my time of imprisonment, I came across a song by Bob Dylan called "Mississippi" and I thought, "that's a reflection of me right now and how I'm stuck. The song evokes for me all of life's inspirations, failures, longings, broken relationships, regrets, etc. and how easy it is to get mired down in a place of dwelling on all of that. Back in May of 2015 I actually spoke of this song on another blog and my intentions to write about it on DD. Of course, I never did write about it because although I was stuck and knew it, KNEW that I was staying in "Mississippi" too long, and KNEW that I had to move on, I didn't. Instead, I set up camp to dwell there for a while. I guess part of it was because there were some things that made me feel good about being there and I stubbornly rebelled against the more important reasons to leave. It's not bad to visit "Mississippi" because it's a place of grieving and we sometimes need to grieve. But staying there too long makes grief the only thing that your life is about which in turn, embitters you and prompts you to put on the jade-colored glasses that I spoke of in a previous post.
It took me a long time to venture out of "Mississippi". In my case, certain things needed to happen within me and without me and thankfully they finally did. As I said, I am blessed to have many people open up to me and so I know that some of you have been, are, or will be spending some time confined in your own "Mississippi". I hope that your time is short there and that you not only have the strength to recognize where you are but also the will to break free from the false, yet deceitfully alluring entanglements and move on when it's time. Also, I wish for you to have people around you to help encourage you to be on your way. It's a difficult responsibility for the people around us to be honest yet supportive and I pray that you have some people who are up to the task in your life as I do.
There are still some days I hear the call of Mississippi and I'm tempted to travel there again. To dip my toes in the warm waters of the melancholic swamp. To let the mid-summer torrential rains of despondency wash over me. To slog along beside the black dog, throwing cares and worries for it to fetch and return. To become comfortable with the mind numbing yet ultimately embittering confinement of the ancient swampland of regret. And it's not so bad to visit sometimes I suppose. In fact, visits are sometimes needed. Yes, I suppose visits to "Mississippi" are part and parcel to life. But when those times come, I hope that this post and this song will come to mind and maybe my stay there will be a little more brief. Only as long as is necessary to heal, after which I'll be able to go along my way with renewed hope and perhaps some new experience I can share with others who have had their own visits to "Mississippi".
"Well my ship's been split to splinters and it's sinking fast
I'm drownin' in the poison, got no future, got no past
But my heart is not weary, it's light and it's free
I've got nothin' but affection for all those who've sailed with me...
Well, the emptiness is endless, cold as the clay
You can always come back, but you can't come back all the way
Only one thing I did wrong
Stayed in Mississippi a day too long
There are several versions of "Mississippi" but this stripped back version is the one that speaks to me the most. Listen if you have time while thinking about what I've shared here.
No comments:
Post a Comment