Victims on the Move!

Good day to you my Deep Digging Friends! 

In a previous post, I wrote about how we are often drawn to toxic relationships without even realizing it. In that post, I spoke of a toxic romantic relationship that I was in for nearly all of 2018. You can read that post here: https://jjsbdiggingdeeper.blogspot.com/2020/03/drawn-to-toxic-relationships.html

In true INFJ fashion, I fear that the post may be misunderstood by some and therefore, feel the need to follow up.

Rereading and reflecting on the post, I’m concerned that the post may give the impression that I see myself as a victim. I suppose in some ways I do. As in many cases, it depends on what meaning you pour into the word: “victim.”

I have to say, I feel like the word “victim” has been sullied a bit by our society. We seem to have arrived at a place where to explore and express how various events and/or circumstances in life have affected each of us is too often mischaracterized as languishing in fatalism. And it’s not my friends. Instead, it’s a healthy part of the process of extracting the value out of a less than ideal (and sometimes horrible) situation and moving forward to a healthier plane. To characterize this process as self-centered is not appropriate. Instead, this process is self-reflective, essential and cathartic.

The problem arises when people, many of whom have difficulty carrying out this process within themselves, confuse the process as victimhood. Hear this please: There is a huge difference between embracing and processing through the situations that have victimized and dwelling in a life of victimhood. In processing, there is movement, acknowledgement, ownership and confrontation. Heavy on the movement, movement, movement! In victimhood, or victimism, there is stagnancy, complacency, deflection and blame. Heavy on the stagnancy.

I humbly assert that we are all victims. We have all had circumstances, people and events victimize us in both seemingly trivial and glaringly significant ways. Granted, for some the victimization is acutely and unpleasantly tangible. Nevertheless, no matter how benign the effect, we can all name numerous situations in which we’ve experienced the status of victim.

So, to resume my original reason for this post, I want to be clear that I have not taken up residence in victimhood. I’m merely on a journey to understand my interactions, past and present with the world around me. The whys and wherefores. One of my main goals in this journey is to identify both beneficial and harmful elements, process through them, take personal responsibility for my part and thus grow.

Having said that, I hold a significant responsibility for my part in the toxic relationship that I wrote about. Because of my own insecurities, I acted in ways that increased the toxic environment of the relationship and harmed my partner. The insecurities are a reason but not an excuse for my behavior. I could have (and should have) acted in a healthy way. But only in understanding, embracing and owning the root source reasons can I begin to create new neural pathways and change the toxic behavior. I must embrace and understand the abandonment issues I have. I must embrace and understand my INFJ hypersensitivity. I must embrace and understand my compulsive and deep-seated “need” to ensure that everyone around me is happy and satisfied with me. I must embrace and understand the ways in which I self-sabotage situations and relationships that scare me and gravitate towards situations and relationships that are unhealthy for me. I must understand my attractions of deprivation. (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/finding-love/201103/attractions-inspiration-and-attractions-deprivation). I could go on. And will as I continue to explore myself in future blog posts.

For now, please know that I do see my imperfections. I’m constantly reflecting on both my strengths and weaknesses. There are so many areas I need to grow in and change. And granted, I don’t always see them clearly. But I want to. And I want to see them through the lens of optimism. That part is so important for me and for everyone. It’s what keeps each of us from putting down roots in victimhood and enables us to move on to a place of peace and well-being.

Once again, I’m grateful to each of you for journeying with me. I am truly blessed to have a place where I can be vulnerable and share my heart. Thank you all so much for reading and providing a place for my words to land.

Until next time, Peace, Love and Grace to each of you Deep Digging Earth Babies.

And remember, you are not alone. No one is!

Drawn to Toxic Relationships

Good day to you my Deep Digging Friends!

If you've been reading along, then you will remember that in my last blog post I wrote that I would be sharing regarding some breakthrough moments I've arrived at during the past year as I journeyed through the low crawls and high times of 2019.

Today, I write of possibly the hardest realization that I faced during this time.  It took me deep into the cavernous wounds of my childhood.  Some of which, I have yet to fully explore.

Some of you are aware of the wounds that I received from my mother when I was young.  While I've known since my teens that the way my mother treated me during my early childhood and preadolescence years had a significant effect on me, I did not fully realize the extent of this as related to romantic relationships until this past year.  Actually, it reaches beyond romantic relationships and colors any and all relationships I have and have had.  But this post is about romantic relationships, so I'll do my best to stay on track.

At the beginning of 2019, I found myself ending a toxic romantic relationship that I had been in for nearly all of 2018.  This relationship had kept my stomach churning the entire time I was in it, every minute of every day spent wondering if I would suddenly, without warning, be on the outs with my partner.  I have never been through anything quite like that relationship.  I'm not sure exactly how I stayed in it for so long, although I do have an idea of part of the why.  It relates back to my childhood.

You see, due to the negative interactions with my mother when I was young, I have abandonment issues that affect my relationships to this day.  This began to dawn on me in the weeks after I ended the toxic relationship I was in and became even more clear as I began to read about why people are attracted to partners who are toxic or bad for them.  I was surprised to find out that many people who suffer from childhood trauma (and that describes so many of us to varying extents) are actually often instantaneously and unconsciously attracted to people whose characteristics are extremely destructive to us in the context of a romantic relationship.  Focusing on myself here and digging deep within the earth of me, I see two areas where this plays out quite clearly.  First of all, we are often drawn to what we know.  We are comfortable in what we know.  Even if it's not good or healthy for our being.  As one of the many articles I read on this subject said, "Many of us pick partners who help us stay within our comfort zone, even if that zone turns out to not be all that desirable. People seek what is familiar. If our past was filled with feelings of rejection or inadequacy, we are drawn to scenarios in which we feel the same way as adults."  Are you addicted to doomed relationships - Lisa Firestone, Ph.D.  Wow!  Let that one sink in a little bit.  I certainly see that this has happened with me. It simply blows my mind to realize that even though I had childhood relationships that were filled with rejection and feelings of inadequacy and that I'm cognizant that I don't want to experience that in my romantic relationships, my subconscious is working against me.  Working hard!  Which brings me to the second area that I feel pertains to me in the area of toxic relationships:  Many of us choose romantic partners who have the very same characteristics as the caregivers we had during our formative years.  In essence, we are looking for another chance to succeed in getting the approval that we just couldn't manage to get when we were young.  Again... Wow.  And this ties into what are referred to as attractions of deprivation.  I'll most likely speak more of those attractions in a subsequent post but for now I'll just say these attractions are powerful.  VERY powerful.  And the way they work is quite sobering.  As one article puts it, we are often attracted to a person with a particular physical and emotional characteristic because that person triggers our insecurities.  These people  "... draw us in part because they embody the worst emotional characteristics of our primary caregivers! Even though we may be adults, we often have unresolved childhood hurts due to betrayal, manipulation, abuse, and neglect from our caregivers.  Unconsciously, we seek the healing of these wounds in our intimate relationships. But that means we're most attracted to people who can wound us in just the way we were wounded in our childhood! Our psyche seeks to recreate the scene of the original crime, and then save us by changing its ending. The child in us believes that if the original perpetrators—or their current replacements—finally change their minds, apologize, or make up for that terrible rupture of trust, we can escape from our prison of unworthiness. Our conscious self is drawn to the positive qualities we yearn for, but our unconscious draws us to the qualities which hurt us the most as children."  Recognizing Your Attractions of Deprivation

 I am now beginning to clearly see that the biggest draw that I have had to partners has been negative and has been a complex subconscious conflicting desire to be in the types of relationships that I know and am "comfortable" with while at the same time seeking to receive validation that after all, all of those negative things I have come to believe about myself are not true.

Now, just to be clear, realizing these things does not instantly flip a switch and mean that these attractions to unhealthy partners disappear.  Remember, these arise from deep seated and subconscious caverns.   Yes, my need for validation runs deep.  Fortunately, I'm also learning that there is a healthy form of validation.  A validation that lovingly confronts unhealthy tendencies while at the same time, highlighting and encouraging qualities of strength.  I'm so thankful to have found someone who can walk beside me both giving and receiving this healthy validation.

I know that what I have written about above does not apply to everyone.  I want to be clear about that.  This is a big world, made up of many individuals, each a unique snowflake.  I am just sharing about my journey as a way to profess my truth and to encourage others to contemplate their own attraction tendencies.


Thank you all for reading!

Until next time, Peace, Love and Grace to each of you Deep Digging Earth Babies!