Traits That Empaths Share - 6 - Empaths Can Become Overwhelmed in Intimate Relationships

 

Greetings Deep Digging Friends!

In previous posts, I wrote about how empaths are highly sensitive, absorb other people's emotions and can easily become overwhelmed and drained. Each of these traits tie into the trait I am writing about today: Empaths can easily be overwhelmed by a partner’s emotions and energies in intimate relationships.

If you’re an empath or highly sensitive person, you already know this all too well. And if your partner is also an empath you both know how difficult it can be to navigate this energy minefield. One that often materializes out of nowhere after your own past and experiences automatically throws your own interpretation on the energy coming from your partner.

Full transparency here, I have been reading and studying about Bowen's Family Systems and have found it so impactful for both my intrapersonal and interpersonal relationships that I have begun to automatically incorporate Bowen's concepts into all of my reflections and efforts for improvement in my interactions with others.

There’s a lot there and the concepts and terminology take some time to unpack and wrap one’s brain around but the nutshell that I can offer is this: People typically react out of emotions that are both ingrained in us as humans and developed further in our family of origin. I’ve written before about the formative years of childhood and how deeply those first 16 - 20 years affect the entire rest of our lives. This relates to the idea that we develop these automatic emotional reactions that highjack the logical and thinking part of our brains.

We could go down a rabbit hole with that entire subject, but I want to get back to how empaths get overwhelmed in intimate relationships.

In empathic relationships, the challenge of separating these emotional reactions from logic is at its highest level of difficulty. When a person has not only their own emotional reactions to address but also is absorbing emotional signals from the others and interpreting them, remaining emotionally regulated can seem like an impossibility. Both parties often become overwhelmed and either erupt and lash out or emotionally distance from the other.

Neither of these outcomes brings healthy togetherness. (Yes, there is an unhealthy togetherness and it’s really easy to see in other’s but difficult to see in ourselves).

There are a couple of really important steps I feel like empaths need to embrace to learn to interact in relationships in the healthiest way:

1. Acknowledge that emotional reactions are happening. This is one of those areas where the knowledge that this is happening leads to an increased ability to recognize when it is happening.

2. Accept that the stimulus receivers of every empath everywhere are often unreliable and deceptive. This is a very hard thing for most empaths to accept. There is a tendency for people to see their empathy as a super quality without acknowledging that there is a very impactful shadow side. Emotions are feeling and every feeling has to be held up to the light of reality and logic.

It will be tempting for empaths to blow off the whole idea that feelings need to be evaluated against what is actually known (aka the realities of the situation) and instead to elevate the concept of intuition onto a pedestal. But though intuition is very real and is often an indicator to evaluate the situation more closely, it can also be influenced and shaped by experience and attitudes and can be wrong. In fact, is often wrong. Yes, it should be listened to. But not indiscriminately. There has to be an evaluation process. And only acknowledging that this process is necessary will give a person the head start to be able to deal with the feelings and emotions that come out of nowhere and hold them up to the light of what actually is happening. 

I feel like I could write on and on about this but I don’t want to beat anyone over the head. I just want to hopefully cause some reflection for those who may come across this post and who like me (and my partner) are empathetic and become easily overwhelmed in our relationship as we try to deal with our own as well as the other’s energies as exhibited in words, tones, body language, eye movement, sighs, etc.

Keep in mind that sometimes, the evaluation process of emotions requires a pause of interaction and some alone reflective time. Please remember not only that this is healthy and perfectly reasonable to ask of your partner but also that it’s important for you to be able to give the other person this space when you are wanting to forge ahead with the conversation. One of the important keys to this is clear communication of this need and to as much as is possible, be specific about when you both will reconvene on the subject (Sadly, I have much work to do with being specific on the reconvening part). Also keep in mind with all of this that there may be a tendency toward complete emotional cutoff during the reflective pause and that is not healthy. But digging into that is a subject for another blog. 😉

In closing, thank you for taking the time to read and I hope that all will practice both acknowledging that we tend to react emotionally, separating those emotions out from what we actually know has happened and seeing all through the lens of what we know to be true about the character of the other.

Peace to you my Fellow Reflective Souls!

Taking Responsibility for Your Own Emotions

 

Greetings Deep Digging Friends!

As I write this, I am sitting on a 20^th floor balcony of a condo in Panama City Beach, Florida, with the ocean in front of me and the soothing sounds of the waves gently smoothing the shore.

I read a post this morning about how to handle disagreements effectively in the context of taking responsibility for your own emotional reactions. I have been thinking about this subject quite a bit over the past several months after I began counseling and was introduced to the concept of differentiation of self.

Part of this is learning to take ownership of your own emotional responses and that you are not responsible for the emotional responses of others.

As I said, I’ve been thinking a lot about this whole responsibility for our own emotions concept and I still haven’t wrapped my head completely around it. Still, I discern the healthy truth in it: It’s easier to attribute how we are feeling to the words and actions of others than it is to examine why we are reacting emotionally and taking steps to change those reactions.

If you begin to reflect on where your own emotional reactions are coming from and exploring ways you can alter those reactions in a healthy way, it will change the entire framework in which you view feelings. With this change in perspective, you will also begin to understand that you are not responsible for the emotional reactions of others. This will not sit well with many of those around you as the common misconception of others will be that this viewpoint communicates that you don’t have any responsibility in how you act toward others. e.g., "I can say or do whatever I want and it doesn’t matter if it hurts someone else." 

This is not at all what the essence or focus of not being responsible for someone else’s emotions is. Of course, there is a responsibility to consider others when we act. However, after evaluation and reflection, and acting with the intent of a healthy interaction and love,  you are not responsible for the emotional reaction of others. Each person is responsible to completely own their own emotions and feelings and address those. You have very limited control over the feelings of others but ultimately, you have full control of our own feelings.

 Understanding and embracing the healthy truth that you are not responsible for someone else’s feelings can bring real positive changes to all your relationships, from work to family to romantic partnership. And I’ve found that although there may be some resistance from others to this at first, in the long run both you and the other person will feel much more centered, calm and supported when this concept is embraced.

Along with this, it’s extremely important to remember that with this concept, your focus should be on what YOU need to own and take responsibility for. The letting go of what others are responsible for is best kept as an inward reflection on your part and if there is a need to communicate this to the other person (which is likely in close relationships where a pattern has been developed), it should be presented with calm, encouraging care and love and not in a lecturing way. The goal is to embrace this for yourself and share that journey with others and not to demand that they take the same journey or point out where you feel they are not taking responsibility. In other words, as is so often the case, leading by example is the best way to bring about this change of outlook in yourself and others.

 

There are so many articles that discuss what it means to take responsibility for your own emotions and feelings. Here is one that I read this morning that I would like to share for those of you who would like to understand this concept and move toward a change from the pervasive pattern of belief that other people and events are responsible for your feelings:

Howto Take Responsibility for Your Feelings

 

As always, thanks for reading and coming along on this journey with me!

I wish peace, love and emotional calm to each of you Fellow Earth Babies!

Traits That Empaths Share - 5 - Empaths Need Alone Time

Greetings Deep Digging Friends,

In my previous post, I mentioned that I wanted to pick back up on writing about the 10 traits that empaths share. I wrote about the fourth trait that many empaths share quite some time ago and you can read that post here: Many Empaths are Highly Intuitive.

The next trait I'm writing about is possibly the most enigmatic and misunderstood of Empath characteristics:

5. Empaths Need Alone Time

 

Because of the high sensitivity and the absorption of surrounding energy stimuli, empaths can easily become overwhelmed and drained and alone time is so essential to being able to disengage from the surrounding emotions and expectations and to recharge. It’s important to remember that empaths are taking in everything, even those little things that they don’t realize they are taking in. While a lot of other folks are barely aware of facial expressions, movements, sighs, mumblings and myriad of other sensory events, empaths are absorbing it all. Add in the tendency of empaths to ignore their own needs and focus on pleasing others and it’s inevitable that energy will be depleted and wear us down. This is especially true for empaths who are introverts.

 

This trait causes so much consternation in those who are in close relationships to empaths. The push for alone time can often be seen as a cold push away instead of the self-care (and other care!) that it is. When empaths don’t get alone time, they tend to become cranky and resentful as energy is depleted unless a thoughtful retreat happens.

 

Other people often take it personally and can’t see that the need for alone time is not because we don’t love or enjoy time with other people. It’s because we DO love, enjoy and value other people and we know that we are at our best when we have had time and creative experiences alone to separate ourselves from all sensory pressure from expectations and influences that come with being around others.

 

Here are some reasons why alone time (and sometimes a lot of it!) are important for an empath:

 

·      As I mentioned above, there is an energy depletion that takes place when an empath is surrounded by sensory stimuli which they are constantly processing and returning in an intentionally positive way. For this reason, alone time is important for the empath’s own energy reserve recharge. This can be confusing to others around us for a number of reasons, one of which is that not all empaths are subject to the same sensory input. The sensory stimuli for one may not be the same for another. For example, I know some empaths who need to recharge in very quiet environments, completely isolated from all other people. For me, I am often more recharged by being in a public place, surrounded by people but not directly tied to any of those people. i.e., A coffee shop or microbrewery where I can sit “alone” yet surrounded by sounds of people chatting, etc. This environment where I can feel the absence of emotional and mental responsibility for anyone or anything else and yet still feel the kinship of humankind is essential for my own recharging process. But for others, this would be the furthest thing from a recharging environment. All empaths have similar traits but the types of stimuli we take in can vary widely and it’s important for everyone to remember this.

 

·      This alone time, whatever it looks like for a particular person, is essential to an empath’s performance. Only with an environment of freedom from sensory overload can an empath exhibit his or her peak performance. This is why a lot of empaths prefer to work on projects alone whether it be in a work or home environment. Creative and passion projects are particularly influenced in this way. Alone time is essential to hitting that creatively productive peak.

 

·      It’s so important for empaths to Self-recalibrate – Alone time is needed to reset one’s body, mind and soul and separate one’s own energy from others. It’s hard for others to understand sometimes but all the sensory input often causes highly sensitive people a very difficult time with differentiating between our own energy priorities and those of others. That’s why alone time spent in some form of meditation is so important for the empath to be able to separate and clarify what one can and can’t handle and then shedding responsibility for situations, emotions and burdens that do not belong to us. I don’t want the word “meditation” to mislead. Meditation is not strictly limited to the traditional idea of sitting with one’s thoughts and emotions but instead can be any activity that causes us to enter a baseline state of clarity. For me, some of the places I find this meditative state are when I am running, writing, editing my podcast or sitting on the deck and listening to water splashing from the fountain in my pond.

 

·      Another extremely important reason that empaths need alone time is to prevent an eruption when sensory input is reached. Reaching the sensory limit can cause an empath to go into fight or flight mode. It’s important to remember that as empaths are taking in a lot of energy stimulus, they are also automatically analyzing all of that intense sensory information and translating it into action to try to contribute to situations and people in a positive way. This activity leads empaths to reach a limit often without even realizing it and the fight or flight state kicks in. Often, empaths will retreat temporarily to recuperate.

This often comes on so suddenly that the empath feels trapped and acts quickly and seemingly cold and impulsively. While retreating (not to be confused with flight or abandoning!) is much healthier than erupting into fight mode, empaths need to understand that it’s important to communicate clearly to those around us when this is happening that there is a need for a temporary retreat. It can be confusing for the empath as reaching this state is often a lengthy process and yet it suddenly happens. But if an empath can’t take a moment to explain what is happening before retreating, it can hurt and confuse those around us. Often, I reach this point and the difficulty of communicating this feels so overwhelming. However, clearly explaining this is something that is on me to do, with the realization that it’s not fair to make others feel like I have just suddenly disappeared without any explanation. At the same time, it’s important for those in our surrounding relationships to understand who we are and that this is not a rejection that should be taken personally but rather a healthy action to bring things back into balance so we can be good and positive for the relationship.

 

·      Having alone time also allows for an empath to properly control and manage the empathetic ability. I almost hate to refer to it as an ability but really that’s what it is. What I don’t want to convey is that empaths are any more valuable than those who are not empathetic. I believe that everyone is equally important to the healthy relationship construct in this world and the ability of non-empaths to separate out all of the sensory input and not be affected by it is just as great an ability as being able to feel it all.

For those who are empaths, it’s important to manage the power we have or it will certainly manage us. We need to channel how our empathy is used and what I wrote of earlier about self-recalibration is of the highest importance to getting back to the clarity baseline we need to be able to utilize our empathy in the most positive and beneficial way for ourselves and others.

 

·      Finally, all the above is rolled into the last important thing that alone time brings for the empath: That is, keeping a mentally sane state. If an empath is kept from the form of solitudinous, recharging activity that is needed, it will result in horrible mental and emotional difficulties that lead to numbness and mental breakdown.  

 

In closing, I hope that both empaths and those in all levels of relationship with them can work to understand and embrace the essential need for alone time and the healthy value it brings.

 

Peace to you Fellow Earth Babies!

Post-punk Heartstrings, Reflections and Return to the Written Blog

 

Greetings Deep Diggers,

It's  been a while, I know. Actually, over a year and a half since I've written.
I’ve been pouring all my “free” and creative time into my podcast, Post-punk Heartstrings, which can be found on the streaming service of your choice. I have attempted to wrap up all my blogs with my love for music and put them into this one podcast outlet. Sometimes I feel like it’s been successful and others I feel like it hasn’t quite been what I’ve wanted it to be. The podcast has not travelled along the path that I had envisioned but I think maybe that’s kind of beautifully spontaneous. I’ve allowed myself, for the most part, to sit back, relax and allow the guests, content and numinous moments direct the path of what I explore and share.
 
Still, I do miss the written blog form at times and have set the goal for myself of setting aside some specific periods of time a few days a week to work on written blog posts. My mind is always working and reflecting and writing these thoughts down helps me to draw them out to further inspiration for myself [and maybe others?]. The feeling that comes from this can only be understood by other innate writers.
 
I know that I suddenly dropped the Traits that Empaths share posts after I posted on the fourth one: Traits That Empaths Share - 4 - Many Empaths are Highly Intuitive
I do want to pick that back up and post on the remaining 6 traits that empaths share as some of you readers were enjoying those posts. I guess sometimes I just feel like people who are INFJ, deeply sensitive and/or empaths aggrandize who they are by nature in their own minds and that sort of starts to spill out and  become all they focus on. So, it becomes a bit of a turn off for me at times. I am all of the things I mentioned [INFJ, etc.] but I see most traits as both positive and negative and I’m sure it bothers some of you in the “sensitive” community that I highlight some of the negative aspects [I like to call them the “shadow sides”] of having these traits. I’ve found that most INFJ’s revel in the rarity of this type of personality type and see themselves as somehow uniquely superior to other types but this is one of the INFJ weaknesses that it would be good for all to reflect on and bring in a measure of balance.

 

I’d like to also share my plans to incorporate some of my previous [and future] blog posts into my podcastà Reading my post and incorporating music to enhance the thoughts and feelings. I’m really not sure how the listeners will react to this but I have to be true to my own direction and I’ve set out from the beginning to keep a mixed format as this is a true reflection of the person I am and I feel will keep things from becoming stagnant. I mention this because I know there are those who prefer the written form but also those who may enjoy hearing me voice my thoughts. I personally appreciate both formats of those whose content I follow so I’m putting that out there.

Until next time, Peace and Love to you my fellow Deep Digging Earth Babies!