Out of Blue Comes Green

 

Out of the Blues Comes Green

Greetings my fellow Deep Diggers,

I recently began building yet another one of those modern day playlists on Spotify called: Step into "that" feeling. It's a playlist of songs that give me that intangible feeling that only a song can give. You know the one. (At least I hope you do!)

As I began picking through my memory store of songs, the band A-ha came to mind.  They have several songs that just get me every time. In particular, Out of Blue Comes Green came to mind and as I listened to it for the hundredth time, it made an impact on me in a way that it never had before.

For the past few years, I've been in a life funk: Just feeling quite down and overwhelmed which brought on a numbness of being. I'm not sure if anyone reading can relate, but when I become too overwhelmed, a part of me kind of shuts down and I become numb. I think it may tie into my ability (or curse?) to compartmentalize. I just involuntarily shove all the overwhelming and painful things somewhere, so I don't have to constantly feel them. A huge downside (just one of many) is that this can cause me to experience every day as bland, uninspiring, and meaningless. There is a part of me that enjoys certain activities, laughs, loves, etc. But there is an uneasy feeling underneath it all like something is off.

There were a lot of factors and circumstances that led me to this place, not the least of which is this whole forced COVID downtime. Being an extroverted introvert, who gains essential soul inspiration from engaging in social outings from small to large, I was not receiving the soul food nourishment that I so desperately need. This might not have been quite so impactful if I had not also been facing a number of other issues:  relationship, my kids beginning to launch, relocation, getting older, facing the possibility of giving up the therapy of running, etc. All of this led to a place of living every day somewhat present (yet submerged) with a sinking feeling in my being that I was never going to feel real peace and inspiration again.

And I prayed.

        I begged to feel inspiration again.

                I beseeched to be lifted up out of this place and feel peace.

                    I implored to be taken out of this life if I was going to just languish in this

                     uninspired paralysis.

I can't say exactly when I began to move (be moved?) out of this dark blue and into the light but it slowly began to happen. I do feel that the realization that I needed to make some changes in my life and acting on that, was the beginning of a level of restoration.

This year has been a slow and steady return to peace and inspiration for me. And so recently when I heard the A-ha song, Out of Blue Comes Green, the lyrics sank in a little deeper and I understood the simple truth: 

So many times in life, you have to go through blue to get to green.

Life circumstances, whether caused by choices we make or things we can’t control, can send us into depths we never knew existed.

We can feel so lonely and isolated:

Father,

My wings are clipped
See the steps that made me trip
Now I'm so lonely

We can feel so paralyzed:

Mother
Time's frozen flame
Seem to linger in the rain
Holding me only

We can feel so helpless, confused and out of control:

Like a river I'm flowing
And there's no way of knowing
If I'm coming or going
I need something to chain me down

Chances are, I’m not the only one that’s ever been there and even now thinking about being there and the prospect that others may be there in the present or future causes me to well up with emotion. And I want you to read and remember the next section of lyrics. The optimistic self-talk that the singer clings to in his desperate state:

But it don't matter
My eyes have seen...
For better
Out of blue comes green


He's been there my friends. Listen to him. He's experienced the numbness. The paralysis. The helplessness of circumstances and the pain that comes from that.

But he's also experienced the aftermath.

Aftermath seems like such a desolate word doesn't it? It conjures up images of the rubble that's left after a war. A state near to complete ruin which makes one wonder if a state of restoration will ever be possible.

But do you know that this term originated in agricultural in the 1400's? And the term was used to describe new growth of grass after a harvest or a "second-growth" of crop. And this new or second-growth can't happen unless everything that's there is removed. It's hard and painful to lose what's there. But the former growth has served its purpose and circumstances and changing seasons sometimes require drastic change in order to move forward.

Yes, out of blue comes green.

So often, it’s only out of the dark, blue, and helpless times that strip away everything we thought we knew, that the lush, green and creative personal growth manifests.

Yes, those blue times can take you SO low. But you must persevere and cling to the truth that there is something to learn and, in that truth, look deep into what you’re going through. Pick it apart to see what might be learned and hang on to the hope and certainty that the light will shine through the blue and will scatter to green and lush growth in your life. Understand that examining the blue and turning it inside and out every way you can think of, will be instrumental in facilitating the coming of the light and the second-growth.

And in this friends, please know that you are not alone. Others are there or have been there and have made it through to a better place. It's so easy to let the isolated feelings of being in the blue cause you to further separate yourself from others. Please don't forsake your fellow earth beings in this process.

And remember, it will get better.

It WILL!

Divine Love will bring you through if you just hold on, cry out and reach out.

Life will be green again and you will have an entirely new perspective on the blue times to not only prepare and sustain you through future struggles but also to share with others who are going through their own season of blue.

Until next time, Peace and Love to you my fellow Deep Digging Earth Babies!

                                                        Out of Blue Comes Green - A-ha

A Gift Only I Can Give

A Gift Only I Can Give

 

Hello My Friends,



As I typed the above, I found myself inwardly sniggering at myself. The contents of this post will no doubt reflect that as of late, I feel like I may in actuality not be writing to friends. Or at least that the friendships may be more lopsided than I would like to believe. But friendship is defined in so many ways, isn't it? We all have our own category dividing lines between strangers, friends, acquaintances, kindred spirits and soul mates. What one person considers a friendship may by another's characterization be a mere acquaintanceship. And so on and so on with many overlapping and conflicting lines and compartments. But here, for this moment of writing, I suppose I will consider friendship to be in the eyes and heart of the beholder and therefore, I do write to friends. Deep digging friends. I mean, who else would take the time to read this other than a deep digging, friendly soul?

And so dear friends, I write to you today about my recent (semi-current?) state of despondency with life in general. And though there are various reasons for this season of existential grief, here and now, I write of the aspect of this blog and the many disappointments it has stirred within me lately.

The few that read will know that I have been writing about the traits that empaths share.

I have a confession to make...

Writing about this bores me.

I began with the intention of writing a separate blog post on each of the ten traits that empaths share as outlined by Judith Orloff: The Top 10 Traits of an Empath. I was quite excited to learn about all these traits and reflect on how I could relate to each of them. Understanding them has helped me better understand so many things about myself.

But writing about each of them quickly began to feel mechanical, tiresome and a little conceited. It certainly doesn't feel creative or artful in any way. Then again, my writing hasn't felt artful in quite some time. But having started this process of writing about these traits, I felt like I created a situation in which I had to finish what I started and so, here I am, just having finished posting about the fourth trait with six remaining to cover.

At the same time of writing these posts that I feel so uninspired by, I have the uneasy feeling that I am writing these posts and then sending them out into the void of emptiness. Sure, I see a view count on the blog site, so I know that some persons are at least clicking the link. But is anyone really reading this stuff? And if not, why am I writing it? Why am I writing unenjoyably and even further, why am I writing at all? Of course, Lovely Christina tells me that she loves my writing and gets a lot of out of it and that I am amazing. I do not minimize the value of her support and encouragement, but she is clearly love biased and the little voice in my head (the one we all have) keeps reminding me that the value of my writing in her eyes is influenced heavily by the ardor she has for me.

It's so easy to get drawn into the "Is anyone listening?" trap and forsake the reliable and lasting joy of "art for art's sake." There is such a delicate balance. Because it does matter if anyone is listening.

It simply does.

If I present what I consider my art out into my world and it falls like a tree in the forest where no one is there to hear the sound, it matters. The problem is not that it matters, but if I allow that to become the focus. Because if it becomes the focus, I stop presenting from an artful, daring, and honest place and begin to present from a safe and cliche place of what I think others will want to read. And when that happens it always leaves me feeling empty. Always.

So, I've decided that I need to get back to doing some of the writing that inspires and feels real to me. I feel much better about writing my thoughts, feelings, and reflections in a stream of conscious fashion much like a journal. Although this inspires me, it can also be a very scary way to write. Opening up and exposing my heart and soul to people, some of whom know me.

What will people think!?!

Will all respect be lost?

Will I be relegated to "that weird guy with all the hang ups" status?

Have I already been relegated?!?

All of these knee jerk fears are quickly followed by me reminding myself how much the world needs people who open up.

People who don't pretend.

People who are willing to show the dirty, unsavory, and weak shadow side of themselves right along with the previously unearthed treasures of their hearts.



From the beginning, this has been a world of people orchestrating the view of themselves that others are allowed to see. And now, we have a whole new social media toolbox available with which to perfect a false presentation of ourselves and our lives and the persona we set forth can so easily take over and become our identity in our own minds.

Thus, we lose our true selves and become some hollow, fanciful version that has little substance.

I don't want to maintain that persona. I don't want to become my seventh taken selfie angle. The one that finally presents what I want people to see me as. I want to be okay with the awkward angle that displays the bags under my eyes and the beaky profile of my nose. I want to feel and see the beauty in my imperfectness, and I hope that others can want the same. I want people to know that I often struggle with life and relationships and that I often make the wrong choices, and both pay the price and learn valuable lessons. It is only in showing my true self that I can feel authentic in life and provide others a person and place to relate to.

All this to say that I will finish the posts on the traits of empaths. But hopefully, I will be able to inject a little more personal reality into those posts, even at the risk of alienating some. I'm fully convinced that by sharing of myself I will connect with others in the way that my soul so deeply needs to. As I finish the empath posts, I give myself permission to write other posts reflecting honestly what I may be feeling on any given day in all it's vulnerable, raw nakedness.

How a song takes my mind to a revelation concept.

How a relationship teaches me a previously unreachable lesson.

How the pain of life drives me to open up to unexpected healing.

And I know it will be scary at times.

But it's where I belong.

Even if it makes me feel so alone and alienated at times, I know I'm not and I know it will mean something to others just to read of another imperfect soul who is clumsily navigating life. I will be inspired just knowing I have shared a real part of myself.

A gift only I can give.



P.S. - as part of my efforts to reconnect with my creative self, I will begin painting photos to accompany my blog posts. I may not always include self-created art with my posts, but my plan is to include this for most of my posts. One of my personal roadblocks to publishing new posts has been the desire to include images that reflect the feelings and/or messages that I am trying to convey in my posts. I usually end up searching for a "free to use" image from the web and am almost always disappointed in what I find. It never quite matches up to what I see in my head. I am very visually sense oriented when communicating and receiving concepts, and it is important to me to include colorful and artful imagery with my posts. I have discovered that a big part of my writing that has been missing is the element of self-art imagery and that this is an essential part of my inspiration and follow-through. For this post, I took a photo that I found and painted my version of it. I call the painting "A Gift Only I Can Give." We each have one of these by the way--- A gift unique to ourselves. Sometimes it's hard to find but it's always there. I pray that each of you find your gift, treasure it and bask in the giving of it.

Until next time, Peace and Love to you my fellow Deep Digging Earth Babies!

Traits That Empaths Share - 4 - Many Empaths are Highly Intuitive

Universal Intuition

Hello Friends,

In my previous post, I wrote about the third trait that many empaths share. You can read that post here: Many Empaths Are Introverted.  

The next trait I'm writing about is possibly the most enigmatic and misunderstood of Empath characteristics:

4. Many Empaths are Highly Intuitive

I think that most empaths would have a difficult time explaining their intuition satisfactorily to those who don't share this trait.  But that's okay, because although it bothers empaths to be misunderstood, it doesn't particularly bother us that others don't understand this aspect. We are content to enjoy the wonderment that comes with this intuition and to occasionally interact with others who also share this trait.

Empaths recognize this heightened level of perception early on in life which causes us to see life with an air of amazement. It feels a little like having a superpower albeit, one which is quite untamed and a bit nebulous. This makes for a very interesting thought life in a child.

There are different perspectives on the workings of this highly attuned intuition.

Some view it more as biological with the genetic wiring of a personality type having the ability to take in a multitude of sensory information. This is the case in INFJ's who are often able to discern universal truths and overarching themes of life. Our brains can simply put everything together even though we are at a loss if asked to explain how we get there. This biological view leans more toward perception based on our brain and sense ability to receive and translate information into concepts.

Another view is more focused on the cosmic aspect. Although this view still heavily involves the individual biology, it embraces the entirety and connectivity of the universe. The concept of universal connection sees everything being connected and linked together on a cosmic level. This includes people and although every person is linked to the universe, certain individuals are wired to be more sensitive to the cosmic connectivity.

However it works, empaths can often understand things immediately without the need for conscious reasoning.

In my reading of posts and articles by INFJ's and empaths, I've noticed that we tend to play up the positive side of our traits and there is often little mention of the downside. This just doesn't sit well with me because I feel disingenuous unless I'm examining all sides of things and self-reflecting. 

The downside of this trait of being highly intuitive is that there can be confusion between intuitional understanding and individual perception. Highly intuitive individuals can become so accustomed to the knowing of intuition that perception can be misinterpreted as such. In other words, we can misinterpret signals and words from others and deem the understanding that we receive as reality because we are so used to being able to intuit. This often happens more so in close personal relationships, especially romantic ones, in which the noise of our own emotions are clouding our understanding. In these situations, we feel that we know. And we are used to knowing. We're used to being right.  We don't feel that we're right in an arrogant way, but we've become conditioned to just knowing so it can be very difficult sometimes to understand that we can be mistaken when it comes to another person's intents or attitudes.

Because of this, it's extremely important to evaluate our intuitional understandings and question our own determinations, especially in relationships in which we are emotionally invested. If we aren't able to do this, it will wreak havoc in our personal relationships and instead of providing helpful insight into building the relationships, it will create barriers to understanding others.

Of all the traits that empaths share, this is my favorite. There is nothing that quite compares to the intuitive feeling of understanding life concepts. There is a sublime feeling of attunement and peace with the universe that comes with this. Even when understanding the more melancholic aspects of life, there is a quietude within. This is an amazing gift and should be used to influence the same peace and tranquility in those we interact with in our personal world sphere.

Until next time, Peace and Love to each of you faithful readers.

Let's keep digging together!

Traits That Empaths Share - 3 - Many empaths are introverted

Untitled - Andrea Stöckel

Greetings my deep digging sibs!

 

In the past few months, I've been writing about traits that empaths share.  You can read my last post here: We're Just Antennas in which I wrote about empaths absorbing the emotions of others and the effect that can have on relationships.

The trait I'm writing about today is a bit of an obvious one but still worth mentioning and perhaps expounding on a bit:

3. Many empaths are introverted

This is one of those traits that makes one ask, "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?"

Are empaths introverted by nature or do their empathic characteristics drive them toward introversion?  I think it's all tied up together and so both are true.  Certainly, the absorbing of the mass stimuli that comes with being around a lot of other people, can cause a highly sensitive individual to avoid crowds or at least minimize the time spent there.  

 But of all the impulses that empaths are picking up, those which emit from other people are the most positive, magnetic, and uplifting.  Sometimes, introverted empaths are seen as not wanting to be around people in general and this is a misunderstanding.  Introverted empaths are renewed and energized not only by spending time alone but also by being around and inspiring others.   Even the negativity we feel coming from others is often a driving force to ease and redirect that energy within everyone who is being affected.

No matter what, empaths do at some point need to retreat and disconnect from everything coming at them for at least a little while.  The need to process all that has been received is essential.  But this need to process, interpret, understand, and remove the noise is not only for the benefit of the empathic individual but also for others in the individual's world.  

Empaths disconnect and allow the energy to diffuse so that we can remain healthy and available to re-engage with and benefit others.  

This process of sparking to extrovert along with the importance of introverted reflection can be a delicate balance for the introverted empath and there must be a constant awareness and deliberate steps taken to maintain a healthy balance.

Admittedly, I am not particularly good with maintaining this balance and have much work to do to learn to preserve it.  I often welcome the stimulus from others without caution and find myself suffocating in layers of overwhelming energy noise.  I've got to be more aware of the stimulus coming in and intentionally remove myself to a quiet place of reflection and processing before I reach this overwhelming place that benefits no one.  As always, I've got a lot of work to do on myself!

 

Until next time, I wish peace, love, and times of quiet reflection for each of you.

Let's keep digging together fellow earth babies!

Traits That Empaths Share - 2- We're Just Antennas

 

Hello My Deep Digging Friends!

In my previous post, I wrote about the first trait that empaths share: Empaths are Highly Sensitive.   As I mentioned in my previous post, when there is too much of certain types of stimuli, my brain gets overloaded and cannot reflect or process.  This often happens in relationships as the type of stimuli that I feel the most intensely is that which emits from other people.

This relates to the second trait that empaths share:

2. Empaths absorb other people’s emotions

Empaths are highly attuned to other people’s moods and feel everything that is happening around them.  This on top of receiving a multitude of environmental signals can be quite overwhelming.  And we are not only feeling other people's moods, we are actually taking them on as our own.  Whether it's anger, anxiety, excitement, sadness, frustration, we are absorbing it.  At times it can be energizing but at others, exhausting.  All of this is often happening without us even noticing.  Because we often feel everything to an extreme, it sometimes becomes difficult to differentiate our own feelings and moods from those of other's and at times it can be hard to understand why we are feeling what we are feeling. 

For me personally, this is the most difficult within romantic relationships.

So often...

I'm just an antenna.

I absorb everything that my partner emits.  Her facial expressions, the way she sits or stands, whether or not she is meeting my eyes, her tone of voice, the words she chooses, and countless other visible and invisible pieces of sensory data are being absorbed by my brain all within a few moments.

And one of the extremely difficult parts of the romantic relationship I've been in for the past 2 years has been that my partner is also empathic and highly sensitive to many of the same types of stimuli.

Much of the time...

We're both just antennas.

Prior to the past few weeks, I don't think that either of us had begun to fully explore what that means and how it affects our interactions with others or within our relationship.  I think we both thought we understood and had a grasp on managing it for the most part, but I now believe that we have only journeyed into the borders of this vast and remarkable land of empathy and there is much more to discover in the deep recesses of this sensory forest.  

On the upside [And there is an AMAZING upside!], there are immensely rewarding interactions when we are both attuned to one another in positive ways.  There is nothing quite like the feeling of connection that proceeds out of these times and it can be exceptionally beautiful and transcending in so many ways.  But the intensity that we both feel when the other is struggling throws us into a very dangerous cycle of heightened emotional absorption that can lead to distance and self-isolation on both ends.  Places that neither of us want to be.  There's an importance of knowing our limits.  Stepping away before one or both of us get overwhelmed and bewildered is so important and so difficult at times.  Equally important is being able to communicate that need in a clear, loving and supportive way.

I know that my partner has an open heart and mind and is always reflecting on how sensitivities affect her, and our relationship and I appreciate this very much.  As for my part, I have been seeking out information to help me understand more fully, the extent to which sensitivities affect me individually as well as within our relationship and what steps I can take to manage, embrace and at times even benefit from all of the charge that's in the air around us.

I'm currently reading a book which has begun to help me understand and learn to celebrate this gift that I have been given.  The Empaths Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People.   In addition, the book is helping me learn ways to keep myself calm and grounded while providing coping mechanisms to manage my high sensitivities instead of drowning in them.  As I've said many times, a gift always has a curse shadow side.  Although we often come by gifts naturally, if we don't evolve and mature in the gift, there is always a danger that we will begin to spend too much time in the negative shadow of that gift. 

I'm excited to keep exploring the deep parts of myself and SO thankful for the vast resources that are available at the click of a laptop key to help myself and others on the journey of life.  I encourage all you highly sensitive types out there to really take some time to reflect on how this part of your personality affects your relationship with yourself and others and what areas you may need to evolve in to bring about a healthier and more peaceful environment.

Let's keep digging together fellow earth babies!

                                             The Church - Antenna

"Why do you always wrongly assume

That you're so well aware of what's happ'ning there,

Right here in this room?

You're just an antenna, you're just a wire.

There's a thousand tongues wagging in your ears tonight,

And you turn around and you call me a liar."

Traits That Empaths Share - 1- High Sensitivity is a Gift!

Good morning my deep digging earth babies!

So, here I am this morning, sitting in a hacienda suite, sipping Peet's French Roast Coffee, and reflecting on life and relationships.  

I am actually always reflective about, well, pretty much everything.  The problem is that I'm highly sensitive and when there is too much of certain types of stimuli, my brain gets overloaded and cannot reflect or process.  A bit of cognitive paralysis sets in.  This often happens in relationships as the type of stimuli that I feel the most intensely is that which emits from other people.

I have been seeking out information to help me understand more fully, the extent to which sensitivities affect me individually as well as in the relationships I have and what steps I can take to make needed changes and improve.  

One of the articles I came across has a list of 10 traits that empathic people share, many of which have resonated deeply with me.  I would like to discuss each of these over the course of my next several blog entries as I try to understand and share what I am learning about myself.

So, let's begin with the first trait:

1. Empaths are highly sensitive.

I suppose this kind of goes without saying but it's important to note because often, empaths are labeled as highly sensitive from a negative perspective.  We are subjected to phrases like, "You're SO sensitive!”, “You get your feelings hurt too easily", "You need to develop a thicker skin", "Why do you take things so personally?" etc.    I remember various encounters with others from my childhood up through adulthood in which I was told I was too sensitive.  Sometimes it was through using those specific words: "You're SO sensitive."  Sometimes it was more indirect, but the same message was sent:  It's abnormal and less than ideal to be sensitive and if you want to fit into life and succeed, you will learn to eradicate that part of yourself.  And because this part of an empath simply cannot (and SHOULD not!) be eradicated, it causes us highly sensitive people to feel like we don't belong in this world.  I think that most empaths have felt alien at some point in their lives and perhaps we should as empaths are thought to make up only about 2 percent of the world population.  But we should not feel like aliens from a negative perspective.  We should feel like alien heroes! Yes, being highly sensitive for an empath is something to be celebrated.  And I want every single highly sensitive person to know that.  Sure, there are downsides to being sensitive and I'll explore those, but there are downsides to NOT being sensitive as well.  HUGE ones.  There are also enormously wonderful benefits to being highly sensitive.  Not just for the individual, but for everyone that person encounters, even if it's only a brief encounter.

Empaths are good listeners, naturally giving and perhaps my favorite: spiritually open.  This leads us to encounters with others that most people do not have the ability to experience.  We are a safe place for those we encounter and it's not just because of our direct words or actions.  Empaths emit energy stimuli as much as we absorb it.  This means that we give off energy that lets others know that they can open up to us, trust us and that they have found an understanding, nurturing, and encouraging place to share a part of themselves that they cannot share elsewhere.

So, yes, empaths are highly sensitive.  And as I mentioned, I will explore some of the downsides of that in upcoming blog posts.  However, what I want every highly sensitive person to take away from this post is expressed well in the following anonymous quote which I know that every empath needs to hear:

"If you feel as if you don't fit into this world, it's because you're here to create a better one."

Until next time, Peace and Love to you all!

Reading Robin

Abstract Rainbow - Steve Johnson

Greetings my deep digging friends,

First off, I wanted to say, "Thank you."

Thank you for showing up to read what I drop here.  No matter how ridiculous, transparent, vulnerable, self-indulgent or cringe worthy it may be, there's always a few of you who keep on showing up anyway.   You're incorrigible! (Thank God!)  I realize that this blog is anything but typical.  And truth be told, I cringe at the thought of it being typical.  My brain will always drive me to want to be unique, different and unexpected.  The day that you make your way here and find a post that reads exactly the way you expected is the day I wonder if I'm wasting my time.  And yours.  Today, it occurred to me how lucky I am to have even a few folks who continue to take the time to read what I write.  Even when I may seem to be going off the rails.  I have far more than I deserve in life and those of you who show up are part of the "more."  I don't deserve you but I'm so thankful and glad that you keep coming back.

In the past year, I've gotten back into my semi-voracious state of reading as I've finally acquiesced to having a pair of reading glasses near my person at all times.  I've been a bit more interested in non-fiction as of late, particularly biographies and/or auto-biographies.  As for most, last year was an extremely difficult year for me and without even realizing it, I embraced the thing I have always maintained is one of the most important things for us human beings:  To be able to relate to another person and feel like we are not alone.  As I've said before, this is one of the main driving reasons why I keep writing this this blog.  So in 2020, I combined this desire for relation with one of the purest and healthiest forms or escapism: Reading.

I recently finished reading Robin, the biography of Robin Williams written by Dave Itzkoff.  I was simultaneously encouraged and sobered reading this account and found myself feeling a very strong relation to the manic, inner demon battling, self doubting funny man.  I'm by no means putting myself on his level of genius or mania.  But as I read about his life journey, I keenly understood the underlying and consistent angst he felt along with the self-questioning of his talent as reflected in the eyes of others which somewhat strangely manifested itself through manic performance. 

I always have a level of angst underneath everything else I'm feeling or presenting in my daily life.  There have always been those in my life who have seen beneath and realized this contradiction within me.  This "seeing" typically happens in those who are closest to me and manifests with the person observing how "intense" I am.  This is something that I haven't always perceived myself and in the past, I have often been surprised when people have observed me that way.  However, I'm coming to terms with this personal reality and that I will likely always have this intrinsic anxiety about the human condition.  Fortunately, residing in and all around this anxiety is a ubiquitous optimism that tempers, reshapes and redirects the angst into something that hopefully benefits not only myself but those in my world.  I'm a walking, talking & crying contradiction.  It seems that Robin felt this angst on a more extreme level and perhaps did not have the same spirit of optimism which further drove his mania.  He needed to perform and often mixed performing with alcohol and drug abuse.  He had to deal with the angst somehow and without the neutralizing and transforming power of underlying, strong optimism, he had to find other temporal and often unhealthy ways to numb the angst.  

Humor is an odd thing.  Often, the funniest people are those who seem happiest and yet they typically have inner turmoil in one area or another.  I have so many people see or talk to me in real life and say, "you're always so happy!"  I used to just think in my head, "Wow, you're so mistaken" but lately, the feeling of insincerity has driven me to respond with, "Yeah, I seem happy..."  Like Robin, one of the coping mechanisms that I developed from a young age is to use humor to lighten the harsh realities of life for both myself and others.  It's easy for some to see my behavior and words as a reflection of a person who is shallow and sees life as a nothing more than a joke.  However, it's my sincere way of experiencing a measure of peace and levity in the midst of our temporal and sometimes painful lives and passing that along to others.  And although, I do see life as the colossal joke in so many ways, I also see life as a very serious and meaningful journey.  There's the INFJ contradiction again.  

As I have grown older, I have begun to read about others in a different way.  I still feel a kinship with those who have struggled in similar ways and take encouragement from that understanding.  But unlike the past, I now spend a good deal of time reflecting on the negative and unhealthy tendencies that I relate to in others and more importantly, how I can take steps to change and improve in those areas.

I find it interesting that I read Robin at a time in my life that was possibly the lowest I have ever felt regarding my perspective of life and the future.  I feared that all optimism was not only gone but gone for good, never to return.  And that thought terrified me beyond any fear I've ever felt.  Optimism has always been my most effective weapon in negotiating the difficulties of life.  And when it left, it felt like the very essence of who I am went with it, leaving nothing but a shell of a person.  In Robin, I saw someone who leaned heavily on performance, social interaction and creativity to negotiate life.  And the absence of any one of those ingredients caused him to struggle with his value and meaning in life.  Those aren't the only things that I lean on but they play a significant role and contribute quite a lot to my optimism.  I had to re-evaluate how much power I give each of those areas and redistribute to a more healthy level while perhaps adding some other important ingredients to my affirmation mix.

Through the 20/20 hindsight of this book, I was able to see the life trajectory that Robin was on even from a young age.  I reflected about the similarities in myself and how I might change some behaviors and attitudes to alter my own trajectory related to where my optimism and personal value stems from.  I realized some of the events and perspectives that brought me to such a low place emotionally and mentally.  And I begged for the Divine for restoration.

I'm not entirely certain at what point my optimism, creativity and love of life came rushing back but I feel that the self-reflection that reading this book brought to me was the essential turning point, demonstrating that even in death our lives and legacy, both negative and positive, have such a profound effect on others.

And so, my friends, keep digging. Keep reflecting.  Keep learning from each other.  Look for lessons everywhere.  Because they are there waiting to be discovered, understood and transformed into life altering realities in each of us.

Peace and Love to each of you!

Funny Angst Man, Robin Williams sporting his trademark suspenders

The piece of melancholic rainbow art heading up this post reminds me of the deeply angst filled, rainbow suspender wearing funny man.