Reading Robin

Abstract Rainbow - Steve Johnson

Greetings my deep digging friends,

First off, I wanted to say, "Thank you."

Thank you for showing up to read what I drop here.  No matter how ridiculous, transparent, vulnerable, self-indulgent or cringe worthy it may be, there's always a few of you who keep on showing up anyway.   You're incorrigible! (Thank God!)  I realize that this blog is anything but typical.  And truth be told, I cringe at the thought of it being typical.  My brain will always drive me to want to be unique, different and unexpected.  The day that you make your way here and find a post that reads exactly the way you expected is the day I wonder if I'm wasting my time.  And yours.  Today, it occurred to me how lucky I am to have even a few folks who continue to take the time to read what I write.  Even when I may seem to be going off the rails.  I have far more than I deserve in life and those of you who show up are part of the "more."  I don't deserve you but I'm so thankful and glad that you keep coming back.

In the past year, I've gotten back into my semi-voracious state of reading as I've finally acquiesced to having a pair of reading glasses near my person at all times.  I've been a bit more interested in non-fiction as of late, particularly biographies and/or auto-biographies.  As for most, last year was an extremely difficult year for me and without even realizing it, I embraced the thing I have always maintained is one of the most important things for us human beings:  To be able to relate to another person and feel like we are not alone.  As I've said before, this is one of the main driving reasons why I keep writing this this blog.  So in 2020, I combined this desire for relation with one of the purest and healthiest forms or escapism: Reading.

I recently finished reading Robin, the biography of Robin Williams written by Dave Itzkoff.  I was simultaneously encouraged and sobered reading this account and found myself feeling a very strong relation to the manic, inner demon battling, self doubting funny man.  I'm by no means putting myself on his level of genius or mania.  But as I read about his life journey, I keenly understood the underlying and consistent angst he felt along with the self-questioning of his talent as reflected in the eyes of others which somewhat strangely manifested itself through manic performance. 

I always have a level of angst underneath everything else I'm feeling or presenting in my daily life.  There have always been those in my life who have seen beneath and realized this contradiction within me.  This "seeing" typically happens in those who are closest to me and manifests with the person observing how "intense" I am.  This is something that I haven't always perceived myself and in the past, I have often been surprised when people have observed me that way.  However, I'm coming to terms with this personal reality and that I will likely always have this intrinsic anxiety about the human condition.  Fortunately, residing in and all around this anxiety is a ubiquitous optimism that tempers, reshapes and redirects the angst into something that hopefully benefits not only myself but those in my world.  I'm a walking, talking & crying contradiction.  It seems that Robin felt this angst on a more extreme level and perhaps did not have the same spirit of optimism which further drove his mania.  He needed to perform and often mixed performing with alcohol and drug abuse.  He had to deal with the angst somehow and without the neutralizing and transforming power of underlying, strong optimism, he had to find other temporal and often unhealthy ways to numb the angst.  

Humor is an odd thing.  Often, the funniest people are those who seem happiest and yet they typically have inner turmoil in one area or another.  I have so many people see or talk to me in real life and say, "you're always so happy!"  I used to just think in my head, "Wow, you're so mistaken" but lately, the feeling of insincerity has driven me to respond with, "Yeah, I seem happy..."  Like Robin, one of the coping mechanisms that I developed from a young age is to use humor to lighten the harsh realities of life for both myself and others.  It's easy for some to see my behavior and words as a reflection of a person who is shallow and sees life as a nothing more than a joke.  However, it's my sincere way of experiencing a measure of peace and levity in the midst of our temporal and sometimes painful lives and passing that along to others.  And although, I do see life as the colossal joke in so many ways, I also see life as a very serious and meaningful journey.  There's the INFJ contradiction again.  

As I have grown older, I have begun to read about others in a different way.  I still feel a kinship with those who have struggled in similar ways and take encouragement from that understanding.  But unlike the past, I now spend a good deal of time reflecting on the negative and unhealthy tendencies that I relate to in others and more importantly, how I can take steps to change and improve in those areas.

I find it interesting that I read Robin at a time in my life that was possibly the lowest I have ever felt regarding my perspective of life and the future.  I feared that all optimism was not only gone but gone for good, never to return.  And that thought terrified me beyond any fear I've ever felt.  Optimism has always been my most effective weapon in negotiating the difficulties of life.  And when it left, it felt like the very essence of who I am went with it, leaving nothing but a shell of a person.  In Robin, I saw someone who leaned heavily on performance, social interaction and creativity to negotiate life.  And the absence of any one of those ingredients caused him to struggle with his value and meaning in life.  Those aren't the only things that I lean on but they play a significant role and contribute quite a lot to my optimism.  I had to re-evaluate how much power I give each of those areas and redistribute to a more healthy level while perhaps adding some other important ingredients to my affirmation mix.

Through the 20/20 hindsight of this book, I was able to see the life trajectory that Robin was on even from a young age.  I reflected about the similarities in myself and how I might change some behaviors and attitudes to alter my own trajectory related to where my optimism and personal value stems from.  I realized some of the events and perspectives that brought me to such a low place emotionally and mentally.  And I begged for the Divine for restoration.

I'm not entirely certain at what point my optimism, creativity and love of life came rushing back but I feel that the self-reflection that reading this book brought to me was the essential turning point, demonstrating that even in death our lives and legacy, both negative and positive, have such a profound effect on others.

And so, my friends, keep digging. Keep reflecting.  Keep learning from each other.  Look for lessons everywhere.  Because they are there waiting to be discovered, understood and transformed into life altering realities in each of us.

Peace and Love to each of you!

Funny Angst Man, Robin Williams sporting his trademark suspenders

The piece of melancholic rainbow art heading up this post reminds me of the deeply angst filled, rainbow suspender wearing funny man.