Good day to you my Deep Digging Friends!
In a previous post, I wrote about how we are often drawn to toxic relationships without even realizing it. In that post, I spoke of a toxic romantic relationship that I was in for nearly all of 2018. You can read that post here: https://jjsbdiggingdeeper.blogspot.com/2020/03/drawn-to-toxic-relationships.html
In true INFJ fashion, I fear that the post may be misunderstood by some and therefore, feel the need to follow up.
Rereading and reflecting on the post, I’m concerned that the post may give the impression that I see myself as a victim. I suppose in some ways I do. As in many cases, it depends on what meaning you pour into the word: “victim.”
I have to say, I feel like the word “victim” has been sullied a bit by our society. We seem to have arrived at a place where to explore and express how various events and/or circumstances in life have affected each of us is too often mischaracterized as languishing in fatalism. And it’s not my friends. Instead, it’s a healthy part of the process of extracting the value out of a less than ideal (and sometimes horrible) situation and moving forward to a healthier plane. To characterize this process as self-centered is not appropriate. Instead, this process is self-reflective, essential and cathartic.
The problem arises when people, many of whom have difficulty carrying out this process within themselves, confuse the process as victimhood. Hear this please: There is a huge difference between embracing and processing through the situations that have victimized and dwelling in a life of victimhood. In processing, there is movement, acknowledgement, ownership and confrontation. Heavy on the movement, movement, movement! In victimhood, or victimism, there is stagnancy, complacency, deflection and blame. Heavy on the stagnancy.
I humbly assert that we are all victims. We have all had circumstances, people and events victimize us in both seemingly trivial and glaringly significant ways. Granted, for some the victimization is acutely and unpleasantly tangible. Nevertheless, no matter how benign the effect, we can all name numerous situations in which we’ve experienced the status of victim.
So, to resume my original reason for this post, I want to be clear that I have not taken up residence in victimhood. I’m merely on a journey to understand my interactions, past and present with the world around me. The whys and wherefores. One of my main goals in this journey is to identify both beneficial and harmful elements, process through them, take personal responsibility for my part and thus grow.
Having said that, I hold a significant responsibility for my part in the toxic relationship that I wrote about. Because of my own insecurities, I acted in ways that increased the toxic environment of the relationship and harmed my partner. The insecurities are a reason but not an excuse for my behavior. I could have (and should have) acted in a healthy way. But only in understanding, embracing and owning the root source reasons can I begin to create new neural pathways and change the toxic behavior. I must embrace and understand the abandonment issues I have. I must embrace and understand my INFJ hypersensitivity. I must embrace and understand my compulsive and deep-seated “need” to ensure that everyone around me is happy and satisfied with me. I must embrace and understand the ways in which I self-sabotage situations and relationships that scare me and gravitate towards situations and relationships that are unhealthy for me. I must understand my attractions of deprivation. (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/finding-love/201103/attractions-inspiration-and-attractions-deprivation). I could go on. And will as I continue to explore myself in future blog posts.
For now, please know that I do see my imperfections. I’m constantly reflecting on both my strengths and weaknesses. There are so many areas I need to grow in and change. And granted, I don’t always see them clearly. But I want to. And I want to see them through the lens of optimism. That part is so important for me and for everyone. It’s what keeps each of us from putting down roots in victimhood and enables us to move on to a place of peace and well-being.
Once again, I’m grateful to each of you for journeying with me. I am truly blessed to have a place where I can be vulnerable and share my heart. Thank you all so much for reading and providing a place for my words to land.
Until next time, Peace, Love and Grace to each of you Deep Digging Earth Babies.
And remember, you are not alone. No one is!
