The Importance of Clear Boundaries

A Thousand times touched by Erik Pevernagie, 2016

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about some of the relationship conflicts I am experiencing that exist largely because I either haven’t set clear boundaries or haven’t consistently followed through with upholding them.  Boundaries are a particularly difficult area for INFJ folks who often fail to set healthy borders in relationships due to the desire to please others and avoid confrontation at any cost.  Even when the cost is quite damaging to ourselves and those we encounter in our daily lives.

My history in this area had been sadly subpar.  Here is how it often goes:  My first instinct is to interact with those around me in a way that I believe will keep everyone happy and/or avoid the confrontation that comes with disappointing or angering someone else.  This behavior is repeated over and over until inevitably, it all comes rushing out in an unhealthy, hurtful, and chaotic eruption of emotionally saturated dissatisfaction. And in this place, everyone is hurt.  I feel misunderstood and have extreme difficulty communicating clearly as the thoughts and emotions are all bouncing around every which way in my head.  The other party is often surprised, and in some cases, has no inkling that there was any issue which leads to a reaction of confusion and irritation at being given mixed messages.  Other times, there is a backlash of anger as the individual was taking advantage of the unclarity of the situation and being suddenly confronted brings this all to a crashing halt.

I recognized my problem of trying to keep everyone happy and content several years ago.  And still, changing this behavior has been extremely slow going and may very well be something that I struggle with for the rest of my days.  I intensely experience the feelings and moods of those around me so avoiding anything that even hints of disappointment or displeasure in others is often my number one priority.  However, I see the unhealthy nature of letting my unprocessed senses dictate my behavior and I’m committed to improving as I have tasted the relief and calm that setting boundaries and clearly communicating them brings. This helps give me incentive to be more consistent with incorporating boundaries into each of my life relationships.

Boundaries are so important, particularly for INFJ individuals because they are proactive.  They address important relationship issues before rather than during or after a confrontation.  This enables an individual to process quietly through the issue and reflect on all sides of the matter which is so important to an INFJ.  The goal is to see all perspectives and act fairly as a result.  Setting boundaries highlights this valuable personality characteristic.  When boundaries are not contemplated, decided upon, and communicated clearly beforehand, the INFJ individual will find he or she is suddenly confronted with a relational situation with no time to devote to the process of evaluation and reflection.  Most of the time, this results in the INFJ erring on the side of giving deference to the other person because after all, maybe the person is justified in their request.  We don’t know in the moment and don’t have the time we so desperately need to process the situation.  One of our biggest drives and desires is to be there for others and giving them exactly what they ask for without qualification often seems to be the best way to achieve this in the spur of the moment.

As I deal head on with my own need to set and hold to healthy boundaries for those I interact with, I have come up with some personal guidelines to help toward success in this endeavor:

·   Be aware of confrontational issues in relationships with those you interact with on a frequent basis.  There are almost always some confrontational issues because after all, we are all human beings and are all wired to a certain extent to seek for ourselves, that which makes us comfortable. Even if it is at the expense of another. Always proactively contemplating and evaluating what behaviors will contribute and support the best for someone else, not only contributes to the best for that person but heads off uncomfortable and unhealthy reactionary confrontations of the moment.

·   Once aware of confrontational issues, take the time to reflect and evaluate if any communication needs to take place to clearly set boundaries related to the issue.  Sometimes, a simple boundary can be decided upon within oneself and addressed only if it arises.  Other times, it will be best to clearly communicate the boundary in a loving and supportive way to the other person/people to ensure there are no misunderstandings.  There will always be people who take advantage of a lack of clear communication.  We’ve all been there.  Setting and sharing boundaries removes any justification of behavior that crosses the lines.  This is so much fairer to everyone involved.

·   There is no way to completely anticipate and prepare for every relational confrontation that will come your way.  We simply can’t always know where someone’s head is at and what information (or misinformation) has influenced their thinking.  If you find yourself in a relational confrontation that you did not anticipate and you feel that all too familiar uncomfortable feeling of being asked for something that may not be in either your or the other person’s best interest, remember that it’s okay to respond with a request to think about it and get back to them.  It’s extremely difficult for most to set a healthy and beneficial boundary while the confrontation is taking place. You must remember how important it is to be able to evaluate the request and/or expectation in solitude without the pressures to yield that the confrontation brings.

   For more information on the importance of boundaries for INFJ’s (and everyone else!), check out this article on Introvert, Dear:  The One Word You Must Learn as an INFJ

Until next time my Dear Deep Diggers, thanks for showing up and taking the time to read. It means more than you know!

Peace, Love and Grace to each of you as we journey together through the gift that is life.