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I’ve been
thinking a lot lately about some of the relationship conflicts I am
experiencing that exist largely because I either haven’t set clear boundaries or
haven’t consistently followed through with upholding them. Boundaries are a particularly difficult area
for INFJ folks who often fail to set healthy borders in relationships due to
the desire to please others and avoid confrontation at any cost. Even when the cost is quite damaging to
ourselves and those we encounter in our daily lives.
My history
in this area had been sadly subpar. Here
is how it often goes: My first instinct
is to interact with those around me in a way that I believe will keep everyone
happy and/or avoid the confrontation that comes with disappointing or angering
someone else. This behavior is repeated
over and over until inevitably, it all comes rushing out in an unhealthy, hurtful,
and chaotic eruption of emotionally saturated dissatisfaction. And in this
place, everyone is hurt. I feel
misunderstood and have extreme difficulty communicating clearly as the thoughts
and emotions are all bouncing around every which way in my head. The other party is often surprised, and in
some cases, has no inkling that there was any issue which leads to a reaction
of confusion and irritation at being given mixed messages. Other times, there is a backlash of anger as
the individual was taking advantage of the unclarity of the situation and being
suddenly confronted brings this all to a crashing halt.
I recognized
my problem of trying to keep everyone happy and content several years ago. And still, changing this behavior has been extremely
slow going and may very well be something that I struggle with for the rest of
my days. I intensely experience the
feelings and moods of those around me so avoiding anything that even hints of
disappointment or displeasure in others is often my number one priority. However, I see the unhealthy nature of
letting my unprocessed senses dictate my behavior and I’m committed to improving
as I have tasted the relief and calm that setting boundaries and clearly
communicating them brings. This helps give me incentive to be more consistent
with incorporating boundaries into each of my life relationships.
Boundaries
are so important, particularly for INFJ individuals because they are
proactive. They address important relationship
issues before rather than during or after a confrontation. This enables an individual to process quietly
through the issue and reflect on all sides of the matter which is so important
to an INFJ. The goal is to see all
perspectives and act fairly as a result.
Setting boundaries highlights this valuable personality characteristic. When boundaries are not contemplated, decided
upon, and communicated clearly beforehand, the INFJ individual will find he or
she is suddenly confronted with a relational situation with no time to devote
to the process of evaluation and reflection.
Most of the time, this results in the INFJ erring on the side of giving
deference to the other person because after all, maybe the person is justified
in their request. We don’t know in the
moment and don’t have the time we so desperately need to process the situation. One of our biggest drives and desires is to
be there for others and giving them exactly what they ask for without
qualification often seems to be the best way to achieve this in the spur of the
moment.
As I deal
head on with my own need to set and hold to healthy boundaries for those I
interact with, I have come up with some personal guidelines to help toward
success in this endeavor:
· Be aware of confrontational issues in
relationships with those you interact with on a frequent basis. There are almost always some confrontational
issues because after all, we are all human beings and are all wired to a
certain extent to seek for ourselves, that which makes us comfortable. Even if
it is at the expense of another. Always proactively contemplating and evaluating
what behaviors will contribute and support the best for someone else, not only
contributes to the best for that person but heads off uncomfortable and
unhealthy reactionary confrontations of the moment.
· Once aware of confrontational issues,
take the time to reflect and evaluate if any communication needs to take place
to clearly set boundaries related to the issue.
Sometimes, a simple boundary can be decided upon within oneself and
addressed only if it arises. Other
times, it will be best to clearly communicate the boundary in a loving and
supportive way to the other person/people to ensure there are no
misunderstandings. There will always be
people who take advantage of a lack of clear communication. We’ve all been there. Setting and sharing boundaries removes any
justification of behavior that crosses the lines. This is so much fairer to everyone involved.
· There is no way to completely
anticipate and prepare for every relational confrontation that will come your
way. We simply can’t always know where
someone’s head is at and what information (or misinformation) has influenced
their thinking. If you find yourself in
a relational confrontation that you did not anticipate and you feel that all
too familiar uncomfortable feeling of being asked for something that may not be
in either your or the other person’s best interest, remember that it’s okay to
respond with a request to think about it and get back to them. It’s extremely difficult for most to set a
healthy and beneficial boundary while the confrontation is taking place. You
must remember how important it is to be able to evaluate the request and/or
expectation in solitude without the pressures to yield that the confrontation brings.
For
more information on the importance of boundaries for INFJ’s (and everyone
else!), check out this article on Introvert, Dear: The One Word You Must Learn as an INFJ
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Until next
time my Dear Deep Diggers, thanks for showing up and taking the time to read. It
means more than you know!
Peace, Love
and Grace to each of you as we journey together through the gift that is life.
