Spending A Little Time with Jack & Diane

 

Hello my Deep Digging Friendlies,

Recently, I spent some time at a little gem of a record store in St. Joseph, MO called the Music Exchange.  It's a little vinyl stuffed room tucked in the deep reaches of an antique booth maze.  As I made my way back through the seemingly endless twists and turns past various treasure squares, I began to wonder if this supposed record paradise was real or not.  Then I heard the faint sound of classic rock music, turned a corner and beheld a glorious site.  

From the  Vintage 70's light box pulsing along with beat of Aerosmith's "Dream On" to the  stack of vintage stereo equipment, I was instantly transported back to my older sibling laden childhood of the 70's.  There were an abundance of KY 102 stickers displayed throughout the room and I thought these were merely a vintage throwback to the 70's and 80's of the KC based rock radio powerhouse until I realized that the between song commentary shouting out the call letters over the speakers was not a recording pulled from past decades, but instead a current on air broadcast of the recently revived KY 102 moniker playing in the St. Joseph market.

As I contentedly browsed through the PVC garden of sounds, the opening power chords of "Jack & Diane" suddenly came leaping out of the sound system above my head.   Maybe it was because I was immersed in an environment perfectly conducive to a heartland rock time warp.  Maybe it was because I'd been feeling confused, foggy and a bit numb in the face of some personal life difficulties.  Likely some of both. Whatever the case, as John began his "little ditty", I heard the words more vividly than ever before and realized just how deeply meaningful and undittyish ™ this tune actually is.  Although I'm not super familiar with his musical catalog, something tells me that this song is John Cougar at his most melancholic Mellancamp.  

While the song presents Diane as a young girl who's greatest desire is to live in every moment (and make them all count) with her "football star" beau, Jack has a very different mindset.  

He wants to take action.  

He wants to indulge every impulse.  

But not with the typical teen sense of oblivious invincibility or optimism that Diane possesses.

Quite the contrary.  Jack wants to live life to the fullest now before it's too late for he feels the impending reality of the shackles of adult responsibility that will soon be upon them both.  

So he's singing: 

"Oh yeah
Life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone"

Despite Jack's teenage libido working overtime as he rests his hand between Diane's knees and suggests that they run off behind a shady tree and "dribble off" her Bobbie Brooks, was he actually somewhat wise beyond his years?

I mean, when I was sixteen, I certainly wasn't thinking of holding on to those moments as long as I could.  I spent most of the time anxiously hoping just to survive those years.  But despite my anxiety and depressive tendencies, I don't remember once having any inkling that I may one day experience a time when I would find no inspiration in life.  Yeah, I had my struggles.   But I was inspired with a heart full of art and a soul of optimism.  I didn't have the prescience that Jack had.

Jack, he says,

"Oh yeah
Life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone"

But now I feel what Jack "knew."  I live it far more days than not.  And many days, I wonder if the thrill of living truly is gone or if it's just dormant.  Is there a way to get it back?  I have moments where I can feel an ember of the thrill.  But then all the weight of the years of responsibility and obligation that comes with being an adult bury the ember beneath a pile of decades of heaviness.

I know this all sounds a bit defeatist but I've always striven to be honest with you all.  That's the only way I can fulfill my goal of ensuring that everyone feels like they aren't alone.  And I know that many of you have gone through times (maybe even extended times that felt like they would never end) when the thrill of living is gone.  

But I also want you to know that I'm still trying to dig down beneath it all.  Find the embers I know have to be there.  Fan things and rekindle the thrill.  "I still believe" as Michael Been of The Call sings.  Yeah, "I'll march this road.  I'll climb this hill. Upon my knees if I have to" and I will rediscover the sparks of passion, peace and contentment in life.  Because when it comes right down to it, as much foresight as Jack (or John) had, he was wrong in the implication that the thrill would be gone and lost forever while life slogs on.  Life doesn't have to go on long after the thrill is gone because the thrill doesn't have to be gone.  You just have to work a lot harder to find it.  And maybe, just maybe, the thrill fought for, reawakened and brought back to flame is brighter and brings more warmth and light to a life well traveled over the rocky terrain that is our journey.

The desire for myself and each of you is that hope will never be fully lost and that the ember thrill will be sought as hidden treasure, reclaimed and fanned back into a blazing fire of inspiration that will shine out to all those around us.

Peace and love to you all!

                                                        "I Still Believe" The Call

INFJ Writer's Block: Embracing the Feeling

                           Illustration by Kris Di Giacomo from Enormous Smallness

Hello my Deep Digging friends.



I'm here to apologize. Who am I apologizing to? Well, maybe you all. Maybe myself. Maybe both. I feel like I've let all of us down. So, here goes...

I'm realizing on a very deep level that I've really gotten away from the writer that I am at heart. I'm at my most comfortable and passionate when I am writing from a free flow of my innermost thoughts and feelings. That's where I hit my creative vein and really feel the art. And I haven't been doing this. Instead, I've been reluctant to open up and let it all out like I used to.

A lot of the problem has been all of the ideas I've had that I'm just not quite able to flesh out. It's one thing to have this awesome conceptual light bulb moment. It's another to convert it into a cogent thought and transform it into words.  And this process is often highly frustrating to an INFJ. Grasping and experiencing an idea or concept on a deep level and then getting bogged down in the facts and details of conveying it to others can be quite debilitating for the INFJ writer. This often leads to a horrible version of writer's block in which the inspiration is there but becomes paralyzed and fruitless. Or perhpas even worse, there is output but it feels mechanical, phony, awkward and disjointed.

This, in turn, leads to another issue that INFJ's struggle with: We really dislike leaving anything unfinished and often consider the endeavor a failure until it is completed. For me, this means that it is extremely difficult to leave a blog post unfinished and dormant and move on to something new. Inevitably, this causes me to start a post and when I can't quite get across what I want to convey, weeks and sometime months go by while I keep coming back to the same post and trying to force it to work. Forcing it feels very disingenuous to me so the whole process just feels horrible. And this causes me to say things like, "I'm not a writer. Obviously, I'm not a writer because I am not writing.  I can't even finish this blog post I started." Thankfully I'm coming to once again embrace that writing is more about feeling than producing a "completed work." 

There is a myth that being a writer means that you can always put something down on paper that is clear and concise whether it be bad or good. That a writer is always producing an end product that is accessible and "valuable" to others. It seems that the same myth exists in all art: A person is an artist only if a product is produced and it is validated by others. I've long had the opinion that the most satisfying art is that which is done for one's own enjoyment regardless of how other's receive it or even if others receive it at all. However, it is easy to believe this and more difficult to live it. I'm only now realizing the part of "art for arts sake" that embraces the feeling that engaging in art brings. I've had help realizing this from a few different sources including my partner Christina and a fellow INFJ writer named Lauren Sapala who writes a lot about the difficulties that INFJ writers come up against. Lauren Sapala YouTube Channel.

The message I'm receiving and embracing is this: Feel. Create. Write.  Just let it out, forming and shaping the words as you go. It doesn't matter what the end result is whether it's a few lines of gibberish, several meandering paragraphs of deepest, darkest fears or a self-perceived masterpiece. The experience of writing, creating and sharing myself and the way I feel is where my passion lies. And passion is a gift.  One far greater than "talent" as deemed by the masses.     

And so, my promise to you all and myself moving forward is this: I'll continue to write and I won't hold back.  I'll allow myself to open up and feel the process and let it all out. It may not always be pretty, palatable or even readable. But it will be heartfelt and it will be genuine.  It will be me.

Peace to you my friends!

"Almost anybody can learn to think or believe or know, but not a single human being can be taught to feel. Why? Because whenever you think or you believe or you know, you’re a lot of other people: but the moment you feel, you’re nobody-but-yourself...

If, at the end of your first ten or fifteen years of fighting and working and feeling, you find you’ve written one line of one poem, you’ll be very lucky indeed."  E.E. Cummings

Inviting Happiness

Graffiti Art - Happy Girl - Artist Unknown

Hello Deep Diggers!



A couple of weeks ago, I helped my 17-year-old son Jacob set up a walking plan to address some weight gain he has experienced since this whole CV19 situation began. I set up a plan which involves him walking daily with different family members. As an added and awesome benefit to this plan, the walks provide valuable minutes of one-on-one discussion. I'm so thankful to say that these walks have been so good for my heart as I get to experience Jake's mind-blowing perspectives on world issues, family dynamics, philosophical constructs, social economics, and so much more. I have a feeling that his viewpoints and questions will be a vast source of material for this blog.



In a recent conversation, Jake told me of a YouTube video he had watched that spoke of engaging in activities that seek fulfillment rather than happiness. I'm a little bashful to say that happiness and the seeking thereof have preoccupied my mind fairly often in the past year. It's becoming more and more apparent to me that I have spent far too much time focused on the experience of the emotional state of feeling good as the primary evidence of happiness. At the same time, I'm trying not to be too hard on myself because I realize how sensitive we INFJ folks are and how deeply we feel both positive and negative emotions. It's hard for me to characterize my life as happy when I sometimes feel so down about certain situations and relationships.



But thankfully, happiness is not just feeling good. At least that's not what I now believe it to be. I believe that happiness is a complex combination of fulfillment, contentment, life satisfaction and generally feeling good about your life on a day-to-day basis. Happiness in this context can be increased or decreased by taking actions. I'm all for positive thinking, but at the end of the day, positive thinking alone will not bring a well-rounded happiness and contentment in life. There must be some specific steps taken to produce the above-mentioned characteristics of a happy life. That's one of the things that's kind of interesting about this CV19 time. It's really brought happiness into extreme focus for me because it has taken away many of the things that I didn't before realize bring so much happiness and contentment to my life.



Through all the reflection, I've come up with the following list of action related items that make my life happy and content:


- Doing things for other people. Especially those who are in my immediate life orbit. I'm very big on the concept of life bringing people into my orbit (and I into theirs) for specific reasons. Keeping my eyes and ears open will provide opportunities to contribute in meaningful ways to the lives of others even if it's in small words and/or deeds. This brings great fulfillment to my life.


- Connecting with people. Connecting with people both in real life and on social media is important to me because it makes me feel just that-- connected. And connection brings happiness. There are few among us who want to be left entirely alone.

- Spending time outside in nature. Something about being outside, experiencing nature gives me a calming satisfaction.

- Exercising. My preferred form of mediation is running outside. Alone with my thoughts and feelings and the rhythm of my breathing brings great clarity and relaxation to my spirit.

- Planning adventures, large and small, to see and experience things that are new to me. I didn't realize how important this is to me until I met my partner Christina who enjoys these same experiences. Sharing with my partner make these activities even more exciting.

- Planning, executing, and completing creative projects. This is where the happiness of long-lasting fulfillment comes into play. Being able to look back and know that time and energy went toward an end result that I'm satisfied with brings great contentment.

- Listening and reflecting on music and lyrics that give me that feeling. You know the one.

- Looking at abstract and modern art. The colors and lines just give me that feeling that's difficult to describe.

- Sharing my favorite things in writing on social media and reading favorite things of others.



I'm sure that I'm not alone in struggling to pin down exactly what happiness is and how it fits into life. Just doing a quick Google search reveals not only how many others out there struggle in this area, but also how many different perspectives there are related to exactly what happiness is and how to experience it in one's life. I hope that sharing some of the ways that I invite happiness into my life will inspire you to reflect on your own and possibly give encouragement to explore your own steps to take.



Until next time, peace, and grace to each of you! You matter!

The Importance of Clear Boundaries

A Thousand times touched by Erik Pevernagie, 2016

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about some of the relationship conflicts I am experiencing that exist largely because I either haven’t set clear boundaries or haven’t consistently followed through with upholding them.  Boundaries are a particularly difficult area for INFJ folks who often fail to set healthy borders in relationships due to the desire to please others and avoid confrontation at any cost.  Even when the cost is quite damaging to ourselves and those we encounter in our daily lives.

My history in this area had been sadly subpar.  Here is how it often goes:  My first instinct is to interact with those around me in a way that I believe will keep everyone happy and/or avoid the confrontation that comes with disappointing or angering someone else.  This behavior is repeated over and over until inevitably, it all comes rushing out in an unhealthy, hurtful, and chaotic eruption of emotionally saturated dissatisfaction. And in this place, everyone is hurt.  I feel misunderstood and have extreme difficulty communicating clearly as the thoughts and emotions are all bouncing around every which way in my head.  The other party is often surprised, and in some cases, has no inkling that there was any issue which leads to a reaction of confusion and irritation at being given mixed messages.  Other times, there is a backlash of anger as the individual was taking advantage of the unclarity of the situation and being suddenly confronted brings this all to a crashing halt.

I recognized my problem of trying to keep everyone happy and content several years ago.  And still, changing this behavior has been extremely slow going and may very well be something that I struggle with for the rest of my days.  I intensely experience the feelings and moods of those around me so avoiding anything that even hints of disappointment or displeasure in others is often my number one priority.  However, I see the unhealthy nature of letting my unprocessed senses dictate my behavior and I’m committed to improving as I have tasted the relief and calm that setting boundaries and clearly communicating them brings. This helps give me incentive to be more consistent with incorporating boundaries into each of my life relationships.

Boundaries are so important, particularly for INFJ individuals because they are proactive.  They address important relationship issues before rather than during or after a confrontation.  This enables an individual to process quietly through the issue and reflect on all sides of the matter which is so important to an INFJ.  The goal is to see all perspectives and act fairly as a result.  Setting boundaries highlights this valuable personality characteristic.  When boundaries are not contemplated, decided upon, and communicated clearly beforehand, the INFJ individual will find he or she is suddenly confronted with a relational situation with no time to devote to the process of evaluation and reflection.  Most of the time, this results in the INFJ erring on the side of giving deference to the other person because after all, maybe the person is justified in their request.  We don’t know in the moment and don’t have the time we so desperately need to process the situation.  One of our biggest drives and desires is to be there for others and giving them exactly what they ask for without qualification often seems to be the best way to achieve this in the spur of the moment.

As I deal head on with my own need to set and hold to healthy boundaries for those I interact with, I have come up with some personal guidelines to help toward success in this endeavor:

·   Be aware of confrontational issues in relationships with those you interact with on a frequent basis.  There are almost always some confrontational issues because after all, we are all human beings and are all wired to a certain extent to seek for ourselves, that which makes us comfortable. Even if it is at the expense of another. Always proactively contemplating and evaluating what behaviors will contribute and support the best for someone else, not only contributes to the best for that person but heads off uncomfortable and unhealthy reactionary confrontations of the moment.

·   Once aware of confrontational issues, take the time to reflect and evaluate if any communication needs to take place to clearly set boundaries related to the issue.  Sometimes, a simple boundary can be decided upon within oneself and addressed only if it arises.  Other times, it will be best to clearly communicate the boundary in a loving and supportive way to the other person/people to ensure there are no misunderstandings.  There will always be people who take advantage of a lack of clear communication.  We’ve all been there.  Setting and sharing boundaries removes any justification of behavior that crosses the lines.  This is so much fairer to everyone involved.

·   There is no way to completely anticipate and prepare for every relational confrontation that will come your way.  We simply can’t always know where someone’s head is at and what information (or misinformation) has influenced their thinking.  If you find yourself in a relational confrontation that you did not anticipate and you feel that all too familiar uncomfortable feeling of being asked for something that may not be in either your or the other person’s best interest, remember that it’s okay to respond with a request to think about it and get back to them.  It’s extremely difficult for most to set a healthy and beneficial boundary while the confrontation is taking place. You must remember how important it is to be able to evaluate the request and/or expectation in solitude without the pressures to yield that the confrontation brings.

   For more information on the importance of boundaries for INFJ’s (and everyone else!), check out this article on Introvert, Dear:  The One Word You Must Learn as an INFJ

Until next time my Dear Deep Diggers, thanks for showing up and taking the time to read. It means more than you know!

Peace, Love and Grace to each of you as we journey together through the gift that is life.