We've all seen it. Okay, most of us have seen it, been part of it. Cyber-lived it. What I'm taking about here is The Facebook Friend Purge.
You know, that thing that some people do when they have "too" many Facebook friends and so decide to cull the herd because experiencing the weight of that list of friends every time they log onto Facebook is just too suffocating?
Well, just in case you're not familiar with the process, it goes something like this:
Someone comes to the conclusion that they have way too many Facebook "friends" and then proceeds to unfriend a large group of folks. The decision of who to keep or remove is based on a number of factors including, but not limited to, friendship level classification, origin of friendship, geographical location, congruity of beliefs and presence value added. Once the person has completed the thinning process, there is usually a post about how much better the purger feels to have uncluttered their cyber-social life. (Translation as perceived by others: "I'm so popular that everyone wants to be my friend and my own celebrity is just so overwhelming to me that I can't handle the stifling blanket of friends that surrounds me"). The post is then reacted to and commented on by those who remain on the friends list with the a vast array of celebratory remarks one of which is always, "Glad I made the cut!"
Sound familiar to any of you?
Well, this post is meant to bring about a couple of things: Education and Absolution.
Let's begin with the education, because quite frankly, some of you need it.
This is for the folks who have performed or will be performing the above described Facebook friend purge.
First of all, there is nothing wrong with deciding to remove people from your friends list on Facebook. In fact, there are many legitimate and healthy reasons to remove someone. There are the extremes like when a person's presence (even in digital form) is toxic to your well being or to the well being of someone you care about. Then there are the situations in which the individual people themselves are benign, but the overall situation of being friends with so many people is overwhelming. Trust me, as someone who gets overwhelmed by large crowds of people, a vast amount of clutter, etc., I get this. Then there are the situations where people have realized that they don't want so many of the intimate details of their lives available to so many people, some of which are virtual strangers. These are all valid reasons to remove some people from your friend's list.
I strongly advise that you take some time to evaluate the reasons why you feel compelled to unfriend one or more folks on Facebook and the effect that your actions will have on those unfriended. Once you have done this and feel that action is definitely necessary, I have the following suggestions for you.
Before you unfriend, determine if the desired effect can be achieved by unfollowing rather than unfriending. For example, if someone on your friend's list constantly posts political statements or memes that are divisive and cause you continual angst, perhaps you can unfollow that person so you don't have to be subjected to those posts thus giving you some relief. Unfollowing can be particularly useful when dealing with family members.
If you determine that unfollowing isn't sufficient (and sometimes it just isn't), remember that people are all different and so view friendships differently, even on Facebook. This specifically relates to people you are Facebook friends with who you view as extraneous to your life. Be aware that they may consider you of significantly more importance than you them. Whether it is based in reality or not, it happens. We are all different and someone may see value in you without even knowing you very well and so may consider you an important part of their life no matter how tangential the relationship. So, be aware that just because it's no big deal to you, doesn't mean that there won't be hurt feelings on the other end of the unfriending.
Once you have completed the purge, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. Try to refrain from making a post on your Facebook page explaining how much better you feel after having removed a bunch of insignificant people from your friend's list. It seems that no matter how this is worded, it tends to come across as arrogant and condescending and is clearly an attempt to validate your decision and assuage any guilt you may feel. It's best just to move along and enjoy the friends you have chosen to retain without broadcasting an explanation. And speaking of broadcasting, if you just can't help yourself and feel compelled to post afterwards, at least set your Facebook page to private. It is no fun (and a bit perplexing) to surprisingly find yourself on the wrong end of a Facebook friend purge only to go to the person's page that is set to public, read about how the person "cleaned up" their friends list and realize that you were part of the "dirt."
Finally, if you end up with a significant number of Facebook friends that you feel no connection to, it would probably be a good idea to reassess the criteria you use when adding friends in the first place. There is a good chance that you should be a bit more selective when adding friends or accepting friend requests. Realize that, although it may seem so, it is not necessarily a slight to ignore a Facebook friend request. In reality, it's somewhat less of a slight than to put yourself in the situation of having to unfriend someone at a later date.
By the way, there is at least one other way to address the dilemma of too many Facebook friends in a direct and open manner. If you find yourself in this situation, it is possible to create a post explaining your perspective, validating the value of all of your Facebook friends and honestly but caringly communicate that you will be removing some friends from your list and why. I believe that this will be received much better by all than just unfriending a bunch of people with no explanation.
A couple of month ago, Megan Phelps (yeah, the Megan Phelps previously associated with the infamous Westboro Baptist Church) masterfully created just such a post and the response to her post was overwhelmingly positive. Yup, people actually understood where she was coming from and were totally ok with being unfriended in light of her post. Here it is:
And here are just a couple of many positive responses to her post (including my own).
This all goes to show, that the Facebook friend purge can be done successfully in a positive manner.
And now for the absolution which brings us to the crux of this post.
I first began to contemplate writing this post a couple of years ago as I was reflecting a bit on the enigma that is Facebook. At the time, I was beginning to realize that people see Facebook in many different ways and along with that, there are many different motives for adding friends on Facebook. Some folks just want a high friend number count regardless of the nature of the relationship. These folks add and accept friends on Facebook more or less indiscriminately. Others desire a fairly low friend count. These folks add and accept only those whom they already have established real life friendships with. And, of course, there are many combinations in between these two extremes. It isn't my desire in this post to evaluate the validity of either extreme or any of the in-between scenarios.
Instead, I want to address a phenomenon that often occurs in relation to Facebook friends. Nearly everyone has friends on their friend list whom they either accepted a friend request from or remain friends with out of guilt. In some cases, a friend request comes through and you don't want to hurt the other person's feelings. Maybe the person is a friend of a friend, someone who you will encounter face to face on a fairly regular basis or maybe there is some other reason that makes you feel obligated to accept the friendship. In other cases, you may have either added or accepted a friend only later to realize that you don't consider this person a friend (or possibly even an acquaintance) and really aren't comfortable with any connection whatsoever to the person, even digitally. Whatever the reason, once you are connected as Facebook friends, it's easy to feel trapped by your desire not to be perceived as a jerk by unfriending the person.
Well, I don't want any of the folks I'm connected with on Facebook to feel trapped, so I'm here to offer a gift: The Reverse Facebook Friend Purge. Unlike the usual Facebook friend purging, this is where I reverse the process and invite any of my Facebook friends who wish to unfriend me, to do so with the understanding that I absolve the person from any responsibility or guilt. I will not consider anyone unfriendly or a jerk for unfriending me and I will not hold it against anyone. I simply want everyone to be content with their Facebook connections and I want my friends list to be comprised of just that: people who truly want to be friends. Please understand that I only add people as friends on Facebook with whom I feel some level of kinship or in whom I see friendship potential. And, admittedly, I desire to be friends with almost everyone I meet. However, I understand that the kinship I feel is not always mutual and it's quite obvious to me that there are some folks who remain friends with me on Facebook out of a sense of politeness. There are even some who never interact with me and don't even speak to me when I encounter them in real life. I can't think of any other reason for these people to remain connected with me on Facebook other than not wanting to hurt my feelings or to be perceived as an unfriendly person. I actually crossed paths with one of these people today at church. A Facebook friend who won't even acknowledge my presence and avoids interacting with me when we cross paths and so clearly doesn't want to be friends in any sense of the word. To these people and anyone else who for any reason does not want to be my Facebook friend, I absolve you. I accept your friend resignation and I wish you well. I want peace for you and peace doesn't include feeling trapped in a social media friendship that you don't want to be in. Even if it hurts, I promise not to hate you for it and I wish you the best in building and maintaining genuine friendships.
Peace to you all!
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