Why was 2016 so rough? Well, there were a few main reasons and I started to list them out right here but as I was typing, it seemed that maybe it would be better for me to separate them out into different posts to help me process more completely and to avoid a huge, rambling post that nobody wants to slog through. :)
The first and most impactful reason is all of the struggles of those in my immediate family. Particularly in regard to mental health.
Over the past several years, I have watched nearly every member of my family struggle with mental health on a somewhat continual basis. Throughout this time, I have felt like I needed to be the rock, the steady, the fixer. One of the "positive" qualities I have is that I always seek to make other people feel more comfortable. Unfortunately, this can be a not-so-good quality when it comes to fatherhood and spousal support. Trying to walk the fine line between encouragement and accountability is extremely difficult for someone like me, especially when dealing with those who are drifting and trying to set a course for freedom in the uncharted waters of mental illness.
The pressures of dealing with all of this culminated at some point during 2016 and the result was a sort of mental unravelling for me. Imagine that, being surrounded by people you love who are struggling with mental issues can cause you to experience your own mental health issues. There is indeed a contagious aspect to mental struggles that often goes unrecognized.
This unravelling did not result in an outward mental breakdown for me which would have been easily discernible to others but instead, an inward foggy, pessimistic separation of myself from reality. In particular, an absence of the ability to derive any sort of pleasure in life. I felt like there was a shadow hanging over every minute of my day, whether asleep or awake, that could (and would) fall upon one or more of my family members and any given time. And each time the shadow would fall, each time some traumatic and dramatic event would unfold in our lives, my senses would become a little more dull and my outlook a little more bleak. I'm not sure if any of you have been in that place before but it is a desolate place. There is no laughter, joy or peace. There is only a pit in the stomach. An ominous foreboding permeating all of one's existence.
Probably not many of you know, but have always been the consummate optimist. I readily admit to situations that are not ideal or even good but have always held out hope for them to get better. My outlook has always been that there is a way forward. The sun will come out tomorrow. etc. The past two years, broke me of this optimism and as I broke, I did not like the unattached hopelessness that filled the void that optimism once occupied.
I'm fortunate in that I realized that these changes had taken place, that they weren't good for me or anyone else and that I had to find a way to regain hope in life. I was also fortunate in that I had a couple of good friends to whom I could express my concerns about where I was and my dire need to not remain in that place. I'm still not sure what the turning point was. Perhaps it was reaching a point where I gave up trying to force myself to be hopeful that I began to let go of the framework I had always used to determine what a hopeful life looks like. That probably sounds very heady and nebulous. I'm sorry if it does but it feels like the best way to express it.
Sometime during the last few months of 2016, I began to envision and internalize a way forward to regain my optimism and am now working to externalize that way forward.
A lot of it has to do with acknowledging my limitations regarding being able to "fix" other people or even to "fix" their circumstances. This is still a struggle for me but the work I've done inside and outside myself has me in a much better place.
As far as the mental struggles of my various family members are concerned, I have relinquished the role of rock and fixer and have assumed the role of encourager and mentor, offering what I feel is valuable and allowing others to own the responsibility to forge their own paths in life.
In light of my newly assumed role, and specifically in regard to my three daughters who have struggled mightily throughout their teenage years, I offer the following advice. Just be still. Practice the art of "Being in the Now" This is important for all of us but can be particularly helpful for the young ladies of this generation who are subjected to an ever growing social media network of accusers, bullies and the ever ironic female misogynists that seem to have become a staple of today's online interactions.
There are many online articles on the value of "being present" or "being in the now" so I won't attempt to expound on that now. I will, however, leave you with a song that I discovered a couple of years ago that always makes me think of what I would like to say to my girls (and possibly to myself), each time hopelessness and defeatism raise their ugly heads.
Be Still.
Life is short.
Long may your innocence reign.
When they drag you through the mud.
When you're in too deep.
When they knock you down.
Don't break character.
Rise up like the sun.
Labor till the work is done.
The Killers - Be Still
Be Still"
Be still
And go on to bed
Nobody knows what lies ahead
And life is short
To say the least
We're in the belly of the beast
Be still
Wild and young
Long may your innocence reign
Like shells on the shore
And may your limits be unknown
And may your efforts be your own
If you ever feel you can't take it anymore
Don't break character
You've got a lot of heart
Is this real or just a dream?
Rise up like the sun
Labor till the work is done
Be still
One day you'll leave
Fearlessness on your sleeve
When you've come back, tell me what did you see
What did you see
Was there something out there for me?
Be still
Close your eyes
Soon enough you'll be on your own
Steady and straight
And if they drag you through the mud
It doesn't change what's in your blood
(Over chains)
When they knock you down
Don't break character
You've got a lot of heart
Is this real or just a dream?
Be still
Be still
Be still
Be still
Over rock and chain
Over sunset plain
Over trap and snare
When you're in too deep
In your wildest dream
In your made up scheme
When they knock you down
When they knock you down
Don't break character
You've got sooooo much heart
Is this real or just a dream?
Oh Rise up like the sun
And labor till the work is done
Rise up like the sun
Labor till the work is
Rise up like the sun
And labor till the work is done
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