So, there is this movie called Pump Up the Volume that came out many years ago (About 24!). Maybe you've seen it. Maybe not. It happens to be one of my favorite movies. It's very real. Very heart on sleeve. If you're not familiar with the movie, the main character has a pirate radio station on which he goes by the handle of "Hard Harry" (Watch the movie if you want to know why). So, "Hard Harry" is a shy, reclusive guy who uses this radio station to express his deepest feelings, complaints and basically, railings against life. Ingnito of course. It's all very fascinating to me. It's like a private, public, oral journal. I love a good paradox and the private/public thing just hits something for me. This movie still gives me chills every time I watch it.
Throughout most of the movie, "Hard Harry" uses a harmonizer to disguise his voice and conceal his true identity. He's being so open, honest and genuine while broadcasting on the station, but can't quite bring himself to take the final step of dropping the disguise and allowing everything he is saying and feeling to be connected to who he is in reality. He just can't quite own all of this. I don't blame him (or anyone else for that matter). We all have a representation of ourselves that we allow others to see and then we have the real us that we keep buried a bit further and share with only a few (or maybe even nobody). Without revealing too much about the course of events in the movie, at one point, the harmonizer is broken and "Hard Harry" has to make a decision. He can continue on air using his real voice, thus revealing himself and consequently connecting all of his deep dark feelings with his true identity. Or, he can call it quits and continue to keep all that he has shared out in the ether somewhere, attached only to "Hard Harry". So, what does he choose to do? Well, you can watch the movie or read a synopsis elsewhere to find out.
For this post, I just want to say that I feel kind of like I'm at a place where my harmonizer is broken. It's time to choose between keeping some of my deepest, darkest thoughts and fears buried or throwing them out there to be sifted, probed and perused by the likes of all of you. Any of you who know me very well will know that I will bury some of them without realizing. Of course, I'll continue digging and these will be unearthed at some point in time with the help of God and others. Meanwhile, there are relics previously buried that are being unearthed right now. With these dirty, rusted, decaying and grime covered items, I am choosing to bring them out into the open air and begin the tedious and often painful process of evaluation, reclamation or, if necessary, annihilation. My hope is not only will this process be advantageous to me, but that it might help someone else. Someone who feels the same or similar things. Someone who has struggles, questions, doubts, etc. I desperately want to make this world a better place. It's ultimately what God wants and frankly is the overarching mission that gives life meaning to me right now.
So, moving forward through the next days (weeks? months, years?), if you so choose to follow and read this blog, you will be exposed to some intensely personal stuff. Some real stuff. There may be profanity at times. I'll just be honest about that up front. I'll always give a warning when I post links if there is something like that or something else that I feel may cause discomfort or offense, so that some of you can avoid those posts if you feel so led.
I'm risking a lot here. I'm putting myself out there like never before. Some will think it's foolhardy (A fair assessment). Some will find it cathartic (At least I hope). Some will find it pathetic (Also fair). To every reaction, I have one response which I will close this post with. In the words of "Hard Harry", "So Be It".
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