I've been thinking a lot lately about the pain that comes from losing people. Or, if I'm being honest, I've been experiencing the pain that comes from losing people. From losing relationships. If you haven't experienced this pain, let me tell you, it can be quite paralyzing.
There are many reasons and circumstances surrounding the exit of people from our lives. Sometimes it's the ostensible permanency of death. Sometimes it's a friend moving away and fading into the earthly sector that resides outside of our day to day environment. Sometimes, it's a divorce that leaves two people co-existing in that nebulous community of shared friends and family, constantly confronted with the existence of that "lost" someone, yet painfully distant for all intents and purposes. Sometimes, it's something we say or do that creates a barrier that is irreparable. Sometimes a "friend" just decides that you aren't a valuable part of his or her life and lets the friendship fade into "acquaintancehood". Or worse yet, "strangerhood".
Whatever the case may be, the pain is often intense, paralyzing, persistent and enduring. It's really easy to get stuck there and never really quite move on. The type of loss and the circumstances that led to it are directly related to the level of difficulty in moving on. In many situations, it just takes time. In others, it takes counseling with close friends or even a professional to process through it. Sometimes, the pain can fade until it's nearly imperceptible. Other times, there will always be a sadness deep inside that lingers on and on.
I can't offer any perfect solutions for dealing with the pain of losing someone because there is no perfect solution. All I can say is that you have to find a way to keep moving. You must, somehow, go on.
I'd like to open up and share a difficult loss that I experienced in the past several years that greatly impacted me and one thing that helped me (and is still helping me) to keep moving forward. Maybe some of you will relate. Maybe it will help some of you consider the situation of loss that you are stuck in and give you courage and inspiration to move on. I can only hope.
Some of you know that I take part in many dramas at North Heartland Community Church in KC. A few years ago, a friend, who at that time was the service director at church, began pushing me to get involved in dramas. It began as, "give me your ideas for dramas." Then it became, "Since you gave us this idea, show up to drama rehearsal and give us input." Then, when I showed up, it was, "Jimmy, you need to make an appearance in this drama", followed quickly by, "I think that Jimmy needs a speaking part." Then, pretty soon, it was, "Since you gave us this idea, then you should write the drama." And you probably know what comes next, right?: "Since you wrote this drama, you should take the lead role." In a matter of a couple of months, this friend had seen my potential and nudged me gently but persistently, until I was in the right place to use a gift that I didn't know I possessed. I was petrified, and I'm convinced that if she hadn't pushed me, I would probably never have taken part in a drama and would almost certainly not have done so many of them over the past three years that I have lost count. Therefore, if it weren't for one person in particular, I would, in all likelihood, never have explored this talent and would have missed out on many experiences and lessons that God had waiting for me. I would have missed out on using a gift that has brought much fulfillment to my life and the lives of others, And not only did she push me to be involved in dramas, but she embraced my quirky sense of humor and found value in ideas that I thought would never be used in a church service. In essence, she said, be who your are. You have value as your are. You have been given a unique gift. Use it.
So, what does me doing dramas have to do with losing someone. Well, a few months after I got involved in dramas at church, this someone and her husband, made the tough decision to move out of the state due to her husband's job situation and before I knew it, she was gone. Also gone was the friend that I felt believed in me and valued my ideas. No one was soliciting my ideas any longer. No one was requesting or pushing me to write dramas any longer. I lost someone who believed in me and valued what I had to offer. I felt that it would never be the same. And guess what? It hasn't. This situation, along with a few other significant changes at the time (all related to church), put me into an apathetic funk for months. I felt like I didn't really matter anymore. I didn't feel valued. I felt like my ability to impact others had been stripped away from me. I felt alienated from everyone. All this because someone who believed in me and appreciated me, moved away and was no longer part of my immediate world. I sound like a whiner to myself right now, especially as I think about some of the more impactful losses that others I know are going through right now. Still, I know that some of you know where I'm coming from.
There are a number of coping methods that I use to keep from getting bogged down in despondency when I'm grieving the loss of a person or relationship. I won't go into all of them now but I wanted to share this one because it's been helping me a lot lately: I like to remind myself of the story of Ruth. This is an intriguing story in the Bible about a woman named Naomi who lost some of the most important people in her life and thus was figuratively and literally, "emptied out." I'm not going to go through the entire story here, but it suffices to say that God ends up "filling up" Naomi even more so than she was prior to being "emptied out." It doesn't mean that the people and relationships that she lost weren't important, or even "essential" to Naomi, but it does mean that God wants to take our empty condition and change it into a fullness that we could never have imagined. A fullness that is beyond our wildest dreams. He creates a new "essential".
I realize that the awareness that God wants to do this for each of us, doesn't minimize the pain of going through loss. It certainly doesn't minimize it for me right now; However, it does provide hope. At least for those who believe in a loving God. The pain is there but along with it, there is an underlying optimism that God has not abandoned us. He wants to do that thing He does. You know, that thing where He takes a situation and turns it on it's head. A miracle. A transformation. He wants to take shit and make it shine. If you can find a way to hold on to that thought, it might help you move forward, press on toward the Light that is waiting for you and not become mired in the quicksand of hopelessness. This is my prayer today, not only for myself, but for everyone who is struggling through this right now. I know you're out there.
Remember my Fellow Earth Babies, "There is a Light that NEVER goes out".
Peace to you all and may you be filled to overflowing.
